Summary: Goldilocks is not the sweet young girl the fairytale would have us believed. But the three bears turn the tables.
Style: Lighthearted Duration: 7min
Actors: 1M, 2F, 1M/F
N: Welcome to the fabulous epic tale of Goldilocks and the three bears – truth revealed. That’s right truth revealed. For years people have been telling the Goldilocks story and they have been telling it all wrong. Wrong I tell you, all wrong! – for a kick off, Goldilocks was in fact a brunette.
(Goldilocks comes out with brown curly hair)
N: And was she all sweetness and light! (Goldilocks flutters eyelashes) Hardly! (Goldilocks changes to look evil and scheme like) This girl was a serial bear terririsor wanted in three states for grand larsony, vandalism and bed theft. One day, Goldilocks was stalking through the woods looking for her next victim, when she came across a house. So in she went.
Goldi: What a nice house. All the better to vandelise and larsonise you with.
N: Goldilocks, that’s the wrong fairytale, I think you’re thinking of Red Riding Hood.
Goldilocks: I’m the main character and I can say what I like – you got a problem with that?
N: Hey, I’m just the narrator.
Goldilocks: So get on and narrate then.
N: Sorry. Presently this house was unoccupied as Mama Bear, Papa bear and baby bear were all out for a walk.
(Bears enter other side of stage)
Mama B: What a nice day it is.
Papa: Sure is.
Baby B: I have never been so fulfilled as I am at this moment (walk off).
N: Anyway, she went into the house and found some porridge sitting on the table.
Goldilocks: Well this looks yummy.
N: First she tried Papa’s porridge.
Goldilocks: This porridge is too hot.
N: Then, she tried Mama’s.
Goldilocks: This porridge is too cold.
N: Then she tried Baby’s.
Goldilocks: This porridge is just right!
N: And she scoffed the lot! But it doesn’t finish there.
Goldilocks: How dare they make porridge that is not exactly the right temperature for me?
N: So she put soap flakes in the porridge that was left, just to spite them! But that’s not all! Then she found their chairs and she sat on them. First she tried Papa bear’s.
Goldilocks: This chair is too big!
N: Then she tried Mama bear’s.
Goldilocks: This chair is too ugly!
N: Then she tried baby’s.
Goldilocks: This chair is just right, it even rocks (Rocks it really badly) Oops, I think I broke it. Stupid inferior quality chair! How dare they have chairs in this house that I don’t like!
N: And then she sawed about 4 mm off one of the legs on each chair just so it would be wobbly enough be really annoying – just to spite them! But that’s not all – then she tried their beds. First she tried Papa bear’s bed.
Goldilocks: This bed is too hard.
N: Then she tried Mama’s bed.
Goldilocks: This bed is too soft.
N: And then she tried baby’s bed.
Goldilocks: This bed is just right! But how dare they have other beds in this house that I don’t like!
N: So she got up and wrinkled all their sheets up just enough to be really annoying just to spite them. And then she got in Baby’s bed, got out her issue of the “Juvenile Delinquents with Curly Hair Quarterly” and got so bored she fell asleep. Meanwhile, the bears came home. First they went to eat their porridge.
Papa B: Woa – my porridge is quite soapy.
Mama B: Mine is too.
Baby: Someone’s eaten my porridge and its all gone – hey, can I try some of yours? Oh, it is soapy, isn’t it? I quite like it.
Mama & Papa: Us too! Yum!
N: Then they tried their chairs.
Mama: Hey, mine’s wobbly.
Papa: So is mine.
Baby: Someone has used my chair and it’s broken! Can I try yours? Oh this is wobbly isn’t I? I quite like it.
Mama & Papa: Us too.
N: Then they tried their beds.
Mama: My bed is all wrinkly.
Papa: So is mine.
Baby: Someone’s been using my bed and they are still in it. Can I try Yours? It is wrinkly, isn’t it, I quite like that.
Mama & Papa: So do we.
Baby: Hang on, someone is still in my bed. ARRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
N: And Goldilocks woke up.
Goldilocks: So, I’m using your bed, what you gonna do ‘bout it?
Papa: Well, actually we wanted to say thank you. Without you we would never have discovered the joys of soapy porridge, wobbly chairs or wrinkly sheets. How can we ever repay you?
N: With that one comment, Goldilocks knew that her days of infamous crime were over. How could she be a criminal if she wasn’t scary, or terrifying or at least a little bit annoying? So she quit her job as a serial bear terrorisor, and started a wobbly chair factory in Brazil. And that ladies and gentlemen, is the TRUE story of Goldilocks and the three bears
© Caroline Campen, all rights reserved. The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.