Summary: What would happen if a meeting between some violent Old Testament leaders (heroes), and some New Testament followers of Jesus could take place? This is a play about such a fictitious event.
Style: Light-hearted. Duration: 20min (?)
Actors: 11M, 1F
Biblical background references: Joshua: Joshua 1-24; Ehud: Judges 3;
Characters
(The cast are all young(ish).
Superheroes: Joshua, Ehud, Jael, Gideon, Samson
Disciples: Peter, John, the Canaanite woman
A Palestinian bartender
Samson: Big guy with long hair; wears shades.
Ehud: Wears a mask along the lines of Batman/Spiderman/Catwoman/The Phantom. Can have a big "E" on his chest.
Joshua: Dressed like a rapper.
Notes:
In general, the heroes' costumes are over-the-top contemporary superhero style costumes; the designer should let their creativity take free reign, but care should be taken not to infringe on the copyright of existing movie or comic book images. By contrast, the disciples are more modestly dressed, in informal contemporary style - no quasi-Biblical fashions.
The superheroes are exuberant, energetic, brash, and at times somewhat infantile. It would help if they are at least a little acrobatically inclined. While the superheroes are on their own, the atmosphere is loud, rowdy, entertaining. The arrival of disciples brings a little more of a subdued mood.
Script
SAMSON
(To Jael)
Where do you think these idiots are, Jael? Always late.
(He turns to the bartender)
Hey, you useless Philistine, bring me another drink!
BARTENDER
I am a Palestinian, Samson.
SAMSON
Palestinian, Philistinian, whatever. Give me a drink!
JAEL (Smiling)
Take it easy Sam.
(From outside some loud hip hop music can be heard. The sound grows into an unbearable noise. Joshua enters through the door.)
SAMSON
OK Joshua OK, enough already!! Turn that thing down before the walls collapse!
(Joshua smiles from ear to ear, turns off his portable Bluetooth party speaker.)
JOSHUA (To Jael)
Don't you just want to drive a tent peg through his eardrums? He can't seem to handle a bit of music.
(Jael jumps over/slides across a table towards Joshua and gives him a hug.)
JAEL
Hello Josh, good to see you.
SAMSON
You're late dude!
JOSHUA
Relax there Muscleman. I tried to make the sun stand still but it wouldn't work this time. (He walks over to the counter). Philistine, give me some milk with a bit of honey.
SAMSON
(Sniggering)
He's not a Philistine...
JOSHUA
Whatever.
(Casually starts sipping his milk and honey)
(Coming from the outside, Ehud sneaks into the room, knife in his (left) hand. He is disguised, wearing a mask. Suddenly he jumps towards Joshua, wanting to attack him from behind. Both Samson and Jael move with great agility towards Ehud. Samson gets him from behind in a stranglehold, while Jael confronts him with a tent peg and hammer to his chest. Joshua turns around, big grin on his face.)
JOSHUA
Ehud, my man!
(Samson and Jael let go of Ehud.)
EHUD
(He takes off the mask. He sounds a little hoarse)
No sense of humour, these friends of yours.
JAEL
Keep cool, Terminator. Just making sure you're not mistaking anybody here for a morbidly obese monarch.
(Gideon appears in the doorway.)
GIDEON
Have I missed anything?
JAEL
Yes, Gideon, you missed everything. Had a little trouble making up your mind whether you should attend or not?
GIDEON
(Mumbles)
Uhm...
JOSHUA
(To Gideon): Ah, welcome Commander!
SAMSON
I'm starving. Can we have something to eat?
EHUD
Shouldn't we wait for the New Testament dudes?
SAMSON
Let's at least have some hors d'oeuvres in the meantime. And something to drink. Philistine!!
(Gideon walks over to the Bartender.)
GIDEON
Do you have some non-alcoholic beer?
BARTENDER
Sure...
GIDEON
No wait, make it a no-sugar cola.
BARTENDER
Do you want the no-sugar-no-caffeine, or just the no-sugar cola?
GIDEON
Erm...
EHUD
(Frustrated)
Oh just give him a no-alcohol-no-sugar-no-caffeine beer!
BARTENDER
I'm afraid we don’t have that...
(Jael jumps up knocking over her chair in the process, and walks intimidatingly towards the Bartender.)
BARTENDER
Of course, I can quickly mix you a special one.
EHUD
We always knew you had some excellent mixology skills.
(Gideon gets his custom-made drink.)
GIDEON
Where's Daniel?
JOSHUA
Sent his apologies.
SAMSON
Stupid dreamer. If it was me in the lion's cage, I would have killed the lions with my bare hands!
EHUD
(Mockingly to Jael)
I wonder if he can kill a bear with his lion hands? (The two laugh their heads off).
SAMSON
Better that you two clowns die laughing than me taking you out, because it's going to hurt a
little.
(As fast as lightning Ehud draws his knife and Jael pulls out her hammer and peg.)
JAEL
You wanna try?
JOSHUA
(Drily)
Settle down Terrible Twins.
GIDEON
So, what do we know about these people we are meeting.
JOSHUA
Only that they had an encounter with the Messiah. Apparently spent some time with him.
EHUD
Good news then, the Messiah has come! That means WE rule the world!
SAMSON
(Raises his glass)
To God and Country!
(Peter appears in the doorway.)
PETER
Erm...I'm looking for Joshua,
(The place goes quiet. The heroes evaluate the stranger carefully. No one says anything.)
PETER
I'm Peter...
(No reaction from the heroes.)
BARTENDER
You are most welcome sir. These are the friends you are looking for.
(Ehud leaps across towards Bartender.)
EHUD
Maybe you should only respond when spoken to?
(Bartender quickly retreats with his back up against the wall.)
GIDEON
(Fake smile)
Hello, I'm Gideon, but you can call me "Commander".
(Ehud and Jael smirk. Samson laughs out loud. Gideon turns around, gives them a smile, then turns to Peter again.)
GIDEON
Where are your friends?
PETER
Erm...I think they will be here anytime now.
(Silent pause, then Samson roars:)
SAMSON
Philistine! Bring the man some wine. Or water. Or whatever he drinks.
PETER
He looks Palestinian to me...
(The bartender tries to gesticulate to Peter that he shouldn't say that, but it's a bit too late. Samson jumps onto the table, and addresses Peter with a booming voice.)
SAMSON
Look Buddy, I have killed more Philistines in my time than I care to remember. I am sure that I will recognise one when I see one...
PETER
Of course.
(Samson jumps off, high fives Ehud. John and the unnamed Canaanite woman enter.)
PETER
(Relieved)
My friends are here. Let me introduce you. This is John...
(John steps forward.)
JOHN
John Boanerges.
SAMSON
Thunder Dude! I like that!
PETER
And this is erm...(slight pause).
CANAANITE WOMAN
(Politely)
Hello, I'm...
PETER
She is a Canaanite whose daughter was healed by Jesus.
JOSHUA
(Suspiciously)
He healed a Canaanite?
PETER
Yes. He actually healed anyone who asked.
CANAANITE WOMAN
I had to persuade him though.
JAEL
You argued with the Messiah?!
GIDEON
(Laughing)
And you supposedly won the argument?
PETER
Shall we sit down and have a discussion?
JOHN
Discussion Peter, not preaching...(Peter looks at him for a moment wanting to say something, but decides to keep quiet)
(They take their separate places: at a table, at the bar counter, or just a chair - the director to decide.)
JOSHUA
So, tell us about this Messiah. I believe he and I share a name.
PETER
Yes, as the angel said, he would save his people from their sin.
JOSHUA
Precisely what I did! I saved my people! (Proceeding a little less enthusiastically) Well, not from
their sins...but you know what I mean.
GIDEON
So, were you members of his defence force, or were you a from a private security company?
PETER
We were mostly fishermen. Jesus came around one day and invited us to follow him. We became his followers, or disciples if you like.
EHUD
(Enthusiastically)
So, what superpowers did Jesus have? Could he fly?
JOHN
No, not really. He did walk on water once...
EHUD
(Laughing sarcastically)
You mean he couldn't swim!
JOSHUA
(Also laughing)
I bet the Egyptian army wished they could walk on water when Moses shut the Red Sea on them!
JAEL
(Looking at the Canaanite woman)
So, Honey (insincere) tell us what happened with your daughter?
CANAANITE WOMAN
Well, she was possessed by an evil spirit...
EHUD
I'm not surprised. She was a Canaanite after all.
CANAANITE WOMAN
(Ignoring Ehud's remark)
So I asked Jesus to heal her. And then he said he was sent to save his own people, not others...
JAEL
I already like this man!
CANAANITE WOMAN
He said he couldn't take the children's food and give it to the dogs.
EHUD
What did you expect? You ARE a dog.
CANAANITE WOMAN
I then told him that even the dogs get the crumbs from their owner’s tables.
(A short uneasy silence follows.)
GIDEON
And then he healed your daughter?
JOHN
Yes, and he said she was a woman of great faith.
PETER
She actually became a role model to us all.
JAEL
(Sarcastic)
Go sister!
SAMSON
So, what else did he do?
PETER
He preached. He taught us to love God and other people.
EHUD
(Suspicious)
What "other" people?
PETER
Family, friends, enemies.
GIDEON
Enemies?
JOSHUA
You are kidding, right?
PETER
Paul wrote...
SAMSON
Paul who?
PETER
Paul from Tarsus. He used to persecute us.
GIDEON
A fighter!
PETER
He became a follower of Jesus, and that changed him completely. He became a preacher and a tent manufacturer.
JOHN
He eloquently explained that because of Jesus, people are all the same in God's eyes. There is no distinction between us and the gentiles, free persons and slaves, men and women.
EHUD
(To Jael, in a mock British upper class accent)
Oh I say, so eloquent. Sounds like a rather distinguished gentleman, wouldn't you say?
JOSHUA
So, who was Jesus actually fighting against?
PETER
The Romans. Hypocritical religious leaders. Oppressors. Basically, any injustice.
JAEL
Bet you he had many enemies.
SAMSON
For sure! How many did he kill?
CANAANITE WOMAN
He didn't kill anyone.
JOSHUA
But he did beat up his enemies real good, didn't he?
JOHN
Not exactly. The Romans killed him.
CANAANITE WOMAN
In a most brutal way.
(Another uncomfortable pause.)
GIDEON
The Messiah was killed by idolaters?
JOSHUA
Maybe you should tell us how this happened.
SAMSON
Yes. How did you let it happen Thunder Dude?
JOHN
It happened when we were getting ready to celebrate Passover.
PETER
Jesus told us to borrow a donkey, and he entered the city on this donkey.
SAMSON
Ha! I killed a whole lot of Philistines with a donkey's jawbone!
JOSHUA
Not to unduly criticize you, but in my day, we would have surrounded the city and take it from the enemy by force, not have the leader ride into town sitting on an ass.
(Joshua plays a hip-hop backing track on his speaker. The heroes jump up and march around in a circle while singing "March around the city till the walls come down, not sitting on a donkey. March around the city until the walls fall down!") [Or something like that]
EHUD
Yes, and afterwards we would have gotten that other guy...what was his name again?
GIDEON
Nehemiah
EHUD
Yes, he would have come and build a new wall!
(The heroes laugh, enjoying the little joke. They settle down again.)
JOSHUA
Please continue. (Insincerely) Friend.
JOHN
During Passover, his closest followers got together for a meal. Afterwards we went to a park, the Garden of Gethsemane. That's when it all happened: all of a sudden, a whole crowd of men armed with swords and weapons arrived to arrest Jesus.
GIDEON
And you gentlemen fought off the attackers?
JAEL
(Looking at Peter)
Did you kill any of them?
PETER
(Hesitates before answering)
I cut off someone's ear with my sword...
EHUD
(Laughing, then mockingly)
What, did you miss his head?
(The heroes roar with laughter.)
JOHN
Don't worry, Jesus put the man's ear back on.
(The heroes go quiet, staring at them in disbelief.)
JOSHUA
I'm almost afraid to ask what happened next.
PETER
(Hesitates a while before answering)
We left him on his own...
CANAANITE WOMAN
We were all really scared.
GIDEON
With the Lord's help, me and only 300 men defeated a whole, well-equipped, overwhelmingly huge army!! What is wrong with you people?
EHUD
So what happened?
JOHN
Jesus was put on trial, and then he was crucified.
JAEL
That's what you get from loving your enemies.
EHUD
A real jubilant ending!
CANAANITE WOMAN
Not the end though: it was a new beginning.
JOSHUA
Now there's some good female logic for you.
PETER
God's logic.
GIDEON
Meaning?
PETER
He raised Jesus from the dead.
(Silent, tense moment.)
BARTENDER
Anyone for something to drink?
(Everybody ignores him.)
GIDEON
(To John)
So, how did this new beginning work out for you?
SAMSON
Yes, Thunder Man, tell us!
JOHN
Jesus gave my brother James and I that nickname, 'Sons of Thunder', in the beginning, but as we spent more time with him, our lives were transformed. And I became known as the Apostle of Love. Once you get to know him, your life changes forever.
GIDEON
(To Peter)
And you stopped being scared I suppose?
PETER
(Smiling)
I was filled with his Spirit and became brave like you, yes.
(Gideon is obviously happy with this compliment, smiling and nodding his head in agreement.)
JOHN
We realised that his love reaches out to everybody, and is not reserved for certain people only.
CANAANITE WOMAN
In the end, God's love is more powerful than our hate and conflict and feelings of revenge and need for bloodshed.
(No one says anything for a few moments.)
JOSHUA
(Addressing the other heroes)
So what do you guys think?
GIDEON
I don't know, hey, I'll have to give it some thought.
EHUD
Of course, Mr Split-Second-Decision-Maker: please take your time.
SAMSON
Not quite how I envisaged the kingdom of God...
(Again, a slight pause.)
JOSHUA
(To the disciples)
Well, you have some interesting ideas. Mind if we take a minute to talk it over?
(Without waiting for approval, the heroes move to a corner. Their backs are turned to the audience and their talking is indistinct. The Bartender anxiously moves from behind the counter and with some anxious gestures show the disciples to leave. They just shake their heads and stay seated.)
(Suddenly some deafening music blares from Joshua sound system, the heroes spin around, and with shouting and war cries and weapons drawn, charge towards the disciples. They jump over tables, throw chairs out of the way, etc. The disciples stand up but do not retreat; the Bartender dives over the counter and hides behind it. The heroes stop within centimetres of the disciples, glaring at them.
SAMSON
(Loudly, angrily, into John's face)
So give us ONE reason we should believe this Jesus you're talking about.
JOHN
Because he loves you.
PETER
And we do too.
(The Bartender peeps out above the counter, then stands up.)
BARTENDER
That's two reasons...That's good, no?
(Samson starts moving threateningly towards the Bartender.)
JAEL
Wait Samson! I've got this.
(Jael turns to the Canaanite and stands even closer to her. She pauses slightly before talking.)
JAEL
You sure about all of this?
CANAANITE WOMAN
I am.
(Jael looks at the Canaanite for a few moments, then she lifts her hammer and tent peg, and puts them down on the table in front of her.)
JAEL
Give this to your sidekick, tentmaker Paul. Maybe he can use it.
(Ehud does some swift manoeuvre with his knife before gently putting it down on the table in front of Peter.)
EHUD
Here, man, use it to gut the fish you catch. And keep it away from people's ears.
(Samson takes off his shades and holds them up against the light, as if to see if the lenses are clean.)
JOSHUA
Something wrong...?
SAMSON
No, just a strange ray of light...I thought maybe it is some reflection from these shades. (Puts his shades on again). Come, let's go.
(The heroes start walking out.)
SAMSON
(Loudly to Bartender)
So long Philistine, Palestinian, whatever! Peace unto you!
(The heroes exit. A few moments of silence follow, the disciples caught up in their own thoughts. Music can be heard from outside again, coming closer. (Maybe some recognisable, contemporary Christian song, any suitable genre). Joshua and Gideon enter, slight smiles on their faces.)
JOSHUA
(To Canaanite woman)
Give this to your daughter. Today's kids probably love loud music as much as we did. (He gives her the boombox type speaker)
(Joshua and Gideon walk away with their arms around each other's shoulders.)
END
You are free to perform the play for non-commercial purposes. Please let me know and provide some details when you are using it. Jacob de Bruyn: