Summary: In a hospital Emergency Room, people having various, frivolous needs are greeted by the front desk nurse and a doctor with whom she consults. Each one is treated as if it’s a very serious condition. In the midst of these, a man is having what appears to be a heart attack. He’s sent to a door that actually exits the ER. He reappears 2 times, each time looking worse, until he finally doesn’t reappear. The nurse and doctor wonder at the end where he is. Point: Too often we direct our attention away from those who really need the Lord and instead take on the “easy cases” of people who really don’t need much attention.
Style: Light-hearted. Duration: 10min
Actors: 1F, 2M, + 10V
Bruce Nogood – a man having a progressing heart attack
10 Other nameless characters
(Opening Scene: flashing red light, ambulance siren sounding, fades out. Attention is directed to nurse at desk in center of stage. She is talking on the phone.)
Nurse Whatsurproblem: Yes, Yes, we’ve had several people worried about global warming in the past week. Sure, I think you’d better come in. Dr. Goodguy will want to see you. Uh-huh. Bye.
Patient #1 and helper: (patient enters with adult helping him. They are holding up his foot as if he has a broken leg.) Can someone help us?
Nurse Whatsurproblem: Yes! Right over here! Here, You’d better sit down, Hon! (gets him a chair)
Patient #1 and helper: (looking at elevated leg) We think it’s broken!
Nurse Whatsurproblem: I’d better have Dr. Goodguy take a look at this. (toward side door) Dr. Goodguy!
(he enters from stage left side)
Dr. G: What is it? (looks at patient) Ooh! What have we here? How did this happen?
Patient #1 and helper: Well, I was in a hurry, and I was tying my shoe, and SNAP!
Dr. G: Yea. You have to be careful with these things. You’ve definitely got a broken shoestring here. Let’s get you back to bed 2. (the 3 exit to stage left as next patient enters from right)
Nurse W: Can I help you?
Patient #2: Yeah. I need some help.
Nurse W: What’s wrong?
Patient #2: Well, I was talking on my cell phone. Everything seemed fine. Then, all of a sudden, my battery went dead. (loudly) My phone went dead!
Nurse W: You mean, you can’t “hear me now”?
Patient #2: Huh?
Nurse W: Sorry, dear. Let’s get you back to bed 3.
(she escorts him off to stage left. As they’re going to the side, Bruce Nogood enters.)
Bruce: (looking around at the unattended desk) Hello? Hello?
Nurse W: Yes, I’m here. Something I can help you with?
Bruce: I’m not sure. I’ve heard about heart attack symptoms and all. I feel kind of short of breath. My left arm and shoulder have been hurting for several hours. My pulse seems too fast. I have a history of heart disease in my family.
Nurse W: Yea, OK. Well, why don’t you go through that door right there? (points to door exiting stage right)
Bruce: Right there?
Nurse W: Yea. OK. Bye Bye! (Bruce gingerly walks to the door and exits as next patient enters, agitated)
Nurse W: Well, dear, what seems to be wrong?
Patient #3: It’s terrible! Terrible! I forgot last night was Thursday and I went out on a date!
Nurse W: (just looks at her blankly)
Patient #3: Thursday! Don’t you understand! “American Idol” was on TV last night! I’ve never missed it! And last night…I missed it! (weepy)
Nurse W: Oh dear! Here, now, take some deep breaths! Let’s get you right back to see the doctor. You’ll be in bed 4. (helps her to the door as next patient enters)
Patient #4 and helper: (mother and son come in, holding his arm out of sight) Here now, honey, keep pressure on it. Don’t let go! (toward the desk, pleadingly) Is there a doctor in here!
Nurse W: Dr. Goodguy! I need you out here, STAT! (She rushes to patient as Dr. G comes too)
Dr. G: What happened?
Patient #4 and helper: It was an accident! I didn’t mean to!
Patient #4 and helper: We were at Sonic. You know, they’re having a slushy sale…
Patient #4 and helper: I pushed my straw too hard. It went right through the bottom of the cup. Now, it’s leaking everywhere! And this is a Route 44 size too! (Looking at cup from Sonic)
Dr. G: it’s OK. Don’t panic. Let’s have a look at it. (all attention on the cup in the patient’s hand.) Yep. It’s a clean puncture. We’re going to need to work on that. Keep pressure on it. Let’s get you into bed 5. (meanwhile, Bruce Nogood has wandered back into the room. He’s visibly degrading, a little hunched over, and walking slower)
Bruce: (kind of spacey) Hello? I’m not sure what happened. I was here before…
Dr. G: Who’s this?
Nurse W: This guy was having some pains…
Bruce: The pain in my arm is a lot worse and my chest is starting to feel really tight. Should I be breaking out in a sweat like this?
Dr. G: Sir, you’ll need to go through that door over there.
Bruce: Are you sure? Last time…
Dr. G: Yes, sir, that door right over there!
(Bruce very slowly moves over to door and exits stage right as the other 4 get the patient off to stage left. Nurse W returns to desk as next patient enters)
Patient #5: (gray-haired man) Is this the emergency room?
Nurse W: Yes! Can I help you?
Patient #5: I don’t know. This morning, I looked in the mirror and…and… look! (holds up one hair) I had a gray hair!
Nurse W: No!
Patient #5: Yes! Right here! (holding up one hair)
Nurse W: Let’s get you right back to bed 7. Dr. Goodguy is busy, but he’ll get to you as soon as possible.
Patient #5: Thanks! (exits stage left)
(now, 3 more patients enter, as does Bruce Nogood. The 3 are all in varying stages of anxiousness, and Bruce’s condition is visibly worse. He’s holding his chest and looking in pain)
Nurse W: Oh, my! OK, OK. One at a time. Tell me what’s wrong with you…
Bruce: (pushes to front, with some gasping) That door. It didn’t really help. I’m really getting bad. I can hardly breathe. Please, I…
Nurse W: Oh, you, sir. Like I told you, you’ll need to go through that door right there. (points to stage right door. Bruce shakes his head, limps back to door hunched over, clutching chest) Now, for the rest of you… (she looks at the 3 girls who’ve come in)
Patient #6: I’ve never won at Monopoly!
Patient #7: My fingernails don’t match!
Patient #8: I don’t like the color fuchsia!
(Patients 6,7, and 8 all make their way to exit stage left as Dr. Goodguy reenters. He notices the 3 new patients headed off)
Dr. G: Nurse Whatsurproblem, that leaves us with only one bed. Any more cases and I’m not sure what we’ll do. We’re almost out of Blu-Ray Disk players and non-alcoholic pina coladas. By the way, whatever happened to that one guy?
Nurse W: Oh, I don’t know. He finally quit coming back.
(Lights go off immediately)
Offstage: (Luke 5:31-32) Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
© Sherm S. Nichols, all rights reserved