Road To Nowhere

By Glenn A. Hascall


An older couple is out for an afternoon drive in this script that lends itself to Reader's Theater. The wife provides comic relief as the husband learns the value of a map.




MAN: Are you strapped in?

WIFE: Yes, dear. It was thoughtful to ask.

MAN: (Hesitates) Well, good. I guess we can go now.

WIFE: So where are we going?

MAN: No particular place. I just thought we'd travel down the road and see where it leads.

WIFE: Ohhh, sounds like an adventure.

MAN: (Warms up to the idea) Yeah, I guess it does. (Wife knits while husband drives for a few seconds quietly).

MAN: So what have you been doing lately, honey?

WIFE: Knitting a couple of afghans for the Richardson twins.

MAN: Oh.

WIFE: (Interrupts) And some booties.

MAN: They'll like...

WIFE (Interrupts) And matching caps.

MAN: Hmmm.

WIFE: (Looks up briefly) You know I don't think I've ever been on this road before.

MAN: I haven't either. I thought it was time I checked it out. We've lived here all our lives and never once have we driven on this road.

WIFE: Wasn't there that time back in '78 when we came this way?

MAN: No, I think you're thinking of the Rancher's Union Bean and Pie Supper, that's a few miles to the east.

WIFE: Oh, that's right. I remember having a slice of pumpkin pie.

MAN: Yes, that was nice.

WIFE: Tasted awful. The only good part about it was the cool whip. Ethel Sorrenson should not bake pies and if I'd known who made it I never would have picked that particular pie. (Suddenly sweet) Bless her heart.

MAN: That was a long time ago.

WIFE: (Smiles) Yes it was. Thankfully it's safely in the past.

MAN: Say, did you see what that sign said back there?

WIFE: The nice dark green one?

MAN: Yeah.

WIFE: Nope, didn't see a thing.

MAN: Let me slow down here, there's another sign.

WIFE: (Squints) Yep, there sure is. Mile marker 72.

MAN: No, the big one.

WIFE: (Chuckles) I THOUGHT that's where we were going.

MAN: Where?

WIFE: Nowhere.

MAN: What do you mean, nowhere?

WIFE: I mean the sign said, Nowhere - 5 miles.

MAN: You're kidding.

WIFE: Oh, I'd never kid about something as honorable as a road sign. Heaven forbid.

MAN: Nowhere. Hmmm. I wonder what's in Nowhere?

WIFE: Not much - I'll wager.

MAN: Is that a historical marker.

WIFE: Why I believe it is.

MAN: Let me stop the car so I can read the sign. (Pretends to read sign) This isn't Nowhere, but you can see it from here.

WIFE: Well, looky there, that little town must be Nowhere.

MAN: So what you're saying is, we're...

WIFE: are on a road to Nowhere.

MAN: (Pause) I'm not sure I want to go there.

WIFE: By the looks of it, there aren't many that do. Then again I'm not surprised.

MAN: Not surprised?

WIFE: Nope, I'm not surprised at all.

MAN: (Pauses waiting for an explanation) Not surprised about what?

WIFE: That we wound up Nowhere.

MAN: (Slightly upset) Now why is that?

WIFE: You told me we were going to No Particular Place.

MAN: Yeah.

WIFE: Well, you didn't bring a map, so I figured we weren't going to be making it to No Particular Place. So it had to be one of these out of the way burgs like End of The World, Turn Back Now or Nowhere. Frankly, of the three, I'm glad we found Nowhere.

MAN: You know, there is a map in the glove box.

WIFE: That's nice dear.

MAN: (Pause) I thought you'd like to use it to find our way back.

WIFE: Oh, I'm sorry dear, did you want me to drive?

MAN: No, I don't want you to drive. I wanted you to navigate.

WIFE: (Still knitting) I'm pretty busy right now, but say, I just had a thought, if we're out here much longer I might be able to finish these booties.

MAN: Well, I'm tired of going Nowhere, I want to go home.

WIFE: You always were very sensible.

MAN: Could you hand me a map?

WIFE: (Puts her knitting down and smiles at her husband) I thought you'd never ask.

MAN: (Looks at the map and mumbles)

WIFE: (Pauses from knitting and looks at MAN) So the map is proving useful?

MAN: Well of course it is, it tells me which road to take, and how far to go before I need to stop or turn.

WIFE: (Pause) I wonder why we never seem to look at the map first?

MAN: What?

WIFE: It sure would save us a lot of trouble.

MAN: Like usual, you're right.

WIFE: (Pause) Let me hear you say it.

MAN: (Embarrassed) That's why I married you.

WIFE: Are you sure it wasn't my looks and charm? MAN: (Ignores last comment) Say, I just remembered something.

WIFE: What's that dear? MAN: Tonight, the Rancher's Union is having their annual Bean and Pie supper. We haven't been there since '78. (Looks at the map) I see a road here on this map that will lead us back to the Union Hall. I hear Ethel Sorrenson will be baking again this year (Chuckles).

WIFE: Let me see that map (Takes the map).

MAN: What are you looking for?

WIFE: Just looking to see if the Union Hall has a bypass. After all, what good are maps if they can't help you navigate past the difficult roads of life (Slight pause) and indigestible pie?

MAN: Truer words were never spoken.

WIFE: (Pause) Let me hear you say it.

MAN: (Embarrassed) That's why I married you!

Fade to black


Copyright 2003 by Glenn A. Hascall and CMI Publishing If you use this script would you be so kind as to let us know? glenn.hascall<a>