Late For My Funeral

by Joanne Miller


2 sisters are speaking about their 3rd sister and how she is always late because she crams so much into her life.  Today is her funeral and sheís late again.  Third sister (the ďdeadĒ one) finally walks in not realizing sheís dead. When she catches on, she faints on the couch and wakens to realize itís been a nightmare.


Patty Ė busy, busy, busy


(Scene opens in a living room setting with Kerry & Jan dressed for a funeral.)

Kerry: I told her some day this was going to happen.

Jan: I canít believe it.  How can Patty be late today of all days?

Kerry: I told her!  You heard me.  How many times did I tell her?  A hundred? A thousand?  Maybe more?

Jan: I know, I know.  People say things like that all the time, but they donít mean it will literally happen.  Itís just a saying!

Kerry: Well, itís happening here today, and youíre seeing it happen.

Jan: What are we going to tell all those people waiting in there?

Kerry: I donít know.  Go tell the minister to stall a little longer.

Jan: Stall a little longer??? Theyíve already played seven hymns and 5 choruses of Amazing Grace.  How much more can they take?

(Patty enters but the others donít seem to see or hear her.)

Patty: Hi, you two.  Boy, am I bushed.  I think I overdid it a bit today, even for me.  I feel kind of funny Ė out of it, if you know what I mean.  I guess I just need a good long rest.

Kerry: I just wish she would get here, then we wouldnít have to worry about running out of Kleenex.

Patty: (Turning to Kerry) Who?  Who do you want to get here?

Jan: Maybe you shouldnít have said that to her so many times.  Maybe you jinxed her and made it come true!

Kerry: Wait a minute!  Donít go blaming this on me.  Sheís been late her whole life; why should today be any different?

Jan: I guess youíre right.  Itís a habit of a lifetime.

Patty: (Turning to Jan) Whose habit?  Who are you talking about? (Tries to touch one of them and canít Ė her arm wonít reach)  Hey, why canít I touch you?

Kerry: (Walks past Patty but doesnít notice her) So here we are today, just as I told her it would be Ė sheís late for her own funeral.

Patty: FUNERAL!!!  Whose funeral?

Jan: I guess thereís nothing we can do but wait for her.  She really shouldnít have packed so much into her life.

Kerry:  She was always so busy, and she did do a lot of good things.

Patty: Who?  Who did a lot of good things?

Jan: Yes, but I really wish she had taken more time to spend with us.

Kerry: Me, too.  She was always so busy doing for others that she didnít have time for her own sisters.

Patty: Oh, I get it.  You guys are trying to make me feel guilty because I have so many good causes I work on all the time.  Well it wonít work because someone has toÖ
Jan: (Talks right over her & starts to cry) And now itís too late.  Sheís gone for good.

Kerry: (Cries too & tries to comfort Jan) Oh, Jan, I know just how you feel.  Iím going to miss her so much.

Patty: Oh, you two are good, but enoughís enough.  Come on now, Iím standing right here.

Jan: I guess we should go in with the other mourners.  Just because Pattyís late for her own funeral I suppose we shouldnít keep them all waiting.

Patty: My FUNERAL!  But Iím not dead!  Am I?  (Pats herself all over)  I do feel funny.  Is this what dead feels like?  Dead?  How can I be dead?  (Faints onto couch)

Kerry: Look, Jan, here she is!

Jan: Finally!  Come on; letís get her into her casket.  You take her feet; Iíll get her shoulders.  Not only is she late but look at how sheís dressed!  Youíd think she would have dressed up a little for her big day! (They try to pick Patty up but as they do she wakes up.  Jan & Kerry fade offstage as Patty slowly wakens.)

Patty: Oh, my gosh what a nightmare!  Iím shaking all over.  Thank God it was just a dream, but what a dream!  (Looks at watch)  Oh no, look at the time!  (Phone rings)  Hello. Yes, Michelle, Iíll be there.  I know Iím late but I fell asleep and I just woke up.  I know Iím in charge of the Bake Sale.  Donít worry Iíll be there in just a few minutes.  OK, bye.

(Kerry and Jan come back in as Patty is putting her jacket on.)

Jan: Oh good Patty, youíre ready to go?

Patty: Go where?

Kerry: Donít you remember?  Weíre going over to Christineís tonight to watch some romantic movies Ė just the girls.

Patty: Oh, Kerry, Iím sorry I canít go.

Jan: What?  What do you mean you canít go?  You promised!

Patty: I forgot about the Bake Sale.  Iím in charge of it and Iím already late.  Iíve gotta go.

Kerry: What about sistersí night?

Patty: Iíll be there for the next one, I promise.

Jan: Thatís what you said last time.

Patty: Jan, Iíll have to talk to you about this later.  Right now I have to go.  I told you Iím already late.

Kerry: Thatís the story of your life Patty.  Someday youíre going to be late for your own funeral!

Patty: (Patty looks shocked for a moment then picks up phone and dials) Hi, Michelle.  Guess what.  Youíre in charge of the bake sale tonight. I have to go eat some popcorn.  Bye.  (Stands between sisters and puts an arm around each of them)  Letís go, sisters.  Whoís got the Kleenex?

Lights out.
Copyright John & Joanne Miller, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed free of charge, provided no charge is made for entrance or for programmes. In return, the authors would like to be notified of any performance. For further information regarding performance rights, they may be contacted at: