Mr. Moody Ė disgruntled, sarcastic
Passenger 2 Ė laid back
Captain (voice only)
(Mr. Moody stands in aisle with his roll on suitcase.)
Stewardess: Please take your seat, MrÖ.
Mr. Moody: Moody. Mr. Moody. And where do you suggest I put this? Thereís no overhead storage.
Stewardess: We ask that you check all baggage, sir.
Mr. Moody: Your luggage guys think check is a hockey term. Iím not trusting them with anything of mine.
Stewardess: Baggage is always a burden for our passengers, sir, and I assure you that our Godís Hands Luggage Service can be trusted with anything you give them.
Mr. Moody: Not gonna do it. (Trying to shove bag under the seat.)
Stewardess: Well, if you insist on carrying the load yourself, I must inform you that it will have to be placed under your seat.
Mr. Moody: What do you think Iím doing down here, lady? Looking for scraps?
Stewardess: No sir, Iím afraid you donít understand. I mean under your seat. (Points to her own rump.)
Mr. Moody: (Stands) Youíve got to be kidding.
Stewardess: (Places bag in seat.) Please sit here, sir.
Mr. Moody: (Sits on top of bag and shakes his head in disgust.)
Stewardess: (Over intercom) Thank you for choosing Attitude Airways, where attitude affects altitude. Please notice that there are no exits here (hand signal) or here (hand signal). No physical precautions of any kind have been taken for your safety. There is no extra oxygen, nor is there a floatation device in your seat. We fly only on faith. Itís much cheaper than fuel, and as Iím sure you noticed, the tickets are very reasonable. We only require a lifetime commitment to positive thinking and forgiveness. Now letís recite our pledge, passengers.
(Mr. Moody looks around, confused.)
Stewardess and Passenger 2: Attitude Airways has one Golden Rule, treat others with kindness and donít be a fool. Unless you prefer to return to the Pit, always check your baggage and in your seat you will fit.
Stewardess: Wonderful! Now, today we will be serving Hawaiian Rotisserie Pork. For passengers experiencing frustration, we offer fresh prune juice. Enjoy your flight. (Stewardess moves to cart and attends to business there.)
Mr. Moody: This is insane! How am I supposed to enjoy my flight sitting on top of this bag?
Passenger 2: (Afro wig, tie-dyed shirt, sandals, and sunglasses) Man, I was just like you when I started flying Attitude Airways.
Mr. Moody: Thatís reassuring.
Passenger 2: Hey man, itís not whatís on the outside that counts. I want to look this way. Itís who I am. I used to be a stiff collared jerk just like you, and I mean that in a nice way.
Mr. Moody: Of course you do.
Passenger 2: Youíll see what I mean when we get in the air.
Captain: (Over intercom) Good morning, passengers, this is Captain Kirk. We will be leaving Detroit, or the Pit of Despair, as we like to call it, in approximately 7 minutes. Our destination is Promised Land, Texas, where todayís temperature is a balmy 85 degrees. The in flight movie will begin shortly, featuring three hours of reruns from everyoneís favorite TV show, Highway to Heaven. After lunch we will show the best episodes from the TV classic, Touched by an Angel. As always, thank you for flying Attitude Airways, and remember: only you can prevent turbulence.
Mr. Moody: Stewardess! (Pushes call button.) Whereíd that crazy stewardess go to now? Stewardess?
Stewardess: (Pushes call button.) You may call me Sara, Mr. Moody.
Mr. Moody: Mmmmm. Thatís a nice name. My motherís name was Sara.
Stewardess: (Scurries up the aisle with a glass in one hand.) Thatís me. Sara N. Dipity.
Mr. Moody: Hmph. Figures. Hey, Sara N. Dipity, can Captain Kirk beam me back to earth?
Stewardess: No, but our co-pilot Scotty will be happy to accommodate you.
Mr. Moody: I was joking.
Stewardess: So was I.
Mr. Moody: Say, whatíd old Captain Kirk mean by Ďonly you can prevent turbulenceí? Is that another joke? I get airsickness, so I donít think thatís very funny.
Stewardess: No, sir, he wasnít joking.
(Mr. Moody looks at Passenger 2. P2 nods.)
Mr. Moody: This is ridiculous. Itís like the Twilight Zone or something. You guys are a bunch of loons. Bring me a drink.
Stewardess: Mr. Moody, I think I need to explain something to you. Here, have some prune juice. We all have choices to make. There are small choices, like what tie youíre going to wear, and there are big choices, like whom you choose to marry. You will always have to endure the consequences of your decisions. For instance, right now, you are sitting on your baggage because you refused to check it: choice, consequence. Now you get to decide how you will react. If you react negatively, you will cause a very turbulent flight and most likely get sick. This could cause other passengers to react negatively to you. Iíve witnessed passengers hogtie grumpy guests and lock them in the latrine. Now is that where you want to be, in the latrine, Mr. Moody? Itís a loooong trip to Texas.
Mr. Moody: (Shakes head no.) No.
Stewardess: Then relax, enjoy the feature films, and suck on your hamhock. Hereís a pillow, Mr. Moody. You could always take a nap. (Hands P2 pillow.)
Mr. Moody: (Nods) Okay.
P2: Sheís right, dude. You gotta chill or be chilled. Iíve learned to think things through; to look at the big picture. Being critical and nitpicky, or making other people miserable because Iím having a bad day ainít cool. This seat next to me is empty. Leave your bag over there and come sit by me.
Mr. Moody: (Shrugs, shakes his head, and moves to empty aisle seat next to P2.)
P2: Here, I have an extra pair of rose-colored glasses for you. (Hands him glasses shaped like hearts.) I love Michael Landon, donít you? ĎSpecially as Little Joe.
Mr. Moody: If you canít beat Ďem, join Ďem, right? (Puts on the glasses and sips his prune juice.) Actually, Hoss was my favorite.
Copyright Shauna Smith Duty, all rights reserved.
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