Cirrhosis of the Giver

by Brian Hardesty


A Doctor explains a patient's diagnosis to his wife. Played like a corny and over
dramatic soap opera. (If you have someone that can play the organ for the old time soap
effect it adds to the humor.)


Dr. Jansen
Mrs. Kilpatrick
P.A. Announcer


chair (for waiting room), magazine, clipboard with pen, a white doctor's coat or
surgery scrubs.


DR. JANSEN: (entering the hospital waiting room) Hi, I'm Dr. Jansen, are you Mrs. Kilpatrick?

MRS. K: (Puts down the magazine she's been reading) Yes I am. How's my husband?

DR. JANSEN: (preparing to write on his clipboard) Well I need to get a little more information from you before we come to a final diagnosis.

MRS. K: (very nervous) OK.

DR. JANSEN: Have you noticed an unusual amount of debt in your life?

MRS. K: Well... yes. It just seems to keep piling up.

DR. JANSEN: Does it seem like things are constantly breaking down around your house and you don't quite have enough money to fix them? You know, like your car or washer and dryer or TV or anything like that?

MRS. K: Yes, that is a constant problem at our house.

DR. JANSEN: Uh hum. Does it seem like you are always coming up a little short at the end of the month, not quite able to make ends meet?

MRS. K: (exasperated) If you only knew.

DR. JANSEN: Well, I was afraid that was the case.

MRS. K: (bracing herself for the horrible news) What is it Doctor?

DR. JANSEN: I'm afraid your husband has (pauses and turns quickly to look at the audience as if he is looking into a TV camera) Cirrhosis of the Giver.

MRS. K: (somewhat trembling with fear) Cirrhosis of the giver? What's that?

DR. JANSEN: Cirrhosis of the giver is an acute condition which renders the patient's hand immovable when he is called upon to move it in the direction of the wallet or purse and then to the offering plate.

MRS. K: Can you help us?

DR. JANSEN: (speaks while appearing to be writing a prescription on his clipboard) With a daily diet of scripture, submission to the word and will of God, and an extensive rehabilitation routine of regular giving, you can be freed from the curse of debt and lack that comes from ignoring God's principles of giving.

MRS. K: Oh, thank you Dr. Jansen!

ANNOUNCEMENT OVER THE P.A.: Paging Dr. Jansen, paging Dr. Jansen, you are needed in the ER stat! They just took an offering at (your church name) and we have several ambulances in route.


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