Martian Sketch

 By Andy Lund


A journalist from Mars is not impressed with the development of life on planet Earth.


 Martian reporter


Martian reporter: Hello, I'm from Mars. I'm from the Mars Thought Chronicle.

Human: (Shocked) What! You're what?

Martian reporter: I said I'm from Mars. You know the planet. You must have heard of it.

Human: Well, yes of course. I just didn't know there was that kind of hospital around here. Do you want a hand to get home. I'm sure I can help you.

Martian reporter: No you don't understand earthling. I'm from Mars. I have been sent by the Mars Chronicle. The thought transference daily.

Human: Right...

Martian reporter: We live a kind of very comfortable existence on Mars, very nice in fact...but it can be a tad boring. And we wondered if it might be worth our while to come to this chewed up golf ball of a planet for a change. I've been sent to see if anything interesting has ever happened here.

Human: Here on earth?

Martian reporter: Yes. Has anything interesting ever occurred here?

Human: Well, let me see. Lots really. It's hard to know where to start. We've invented loads of things. Like ..the telephone.

Martian reporter: (Notes on hand held computer) Yes, go on. What is this wonder?

Human: It's an instrument and you can talk to people everywhere even though they are a long way away and it was invented by Alexander Graham Bell. And you can hear people from down a long wire and it's ever so clear. You can talk to people in America and Africa and, of course, Durrington - though the line's a bit hazy and.....

Martian reporter: Oh for goodness sake. We got rid of that when we went over to thought speak. No, haven't you had anything really interesting that's happened?

Human: There is television...

Martian reporter: Yes, go on.

Human: We can send pictures and sound to people's homes. And there's loads of channels. And there's cable and you can see repeats of Fawlty Towers twice a week. And now there's going to be digital and it's all going to be terribly exciting...

Martian reporter: Oh come on. We don't bother with such toys. Never have done since we invented in-head sound and vision transmission. No, I need something really exciting for the Mars Chronicle.

Human: Well how How about..? No... I know - the nuclear bomb.

Martian reporter: Yes...

Human: We have invented a bomb that will destroy thousand and thousands of people in seconds. Whole cities can be wiped out...

Martian reporter: Fireworks! No, I can see it's hopeless. I'll have to go back without a story. Pity really. Cheers.

Human: No, wait a minute...there was one thing. Quite a few years ago's son, you know, Jesus Christ, sort of ..came to earth and..

Martian reporter: What! You mean he actually visited your plant. This is incredible!

Human: Well yes.. it was 2000 years ago and we're just coming up to an anniversary...

Martian reporter: Recently then. I can see it now. Great headlines. God's son, Jesus Christ came to earth - Grand Reception Party.

Human: Well, no.. it wasn't quite like that..

Martian reporter: Fair enough. How about 'Earth the visited Planet. See how the earthlings arranged the greatest party ever'.

Human: Not exactly that, either.

Martian reporter: Well I'm in the dark here. You'll have to give me details of what you did for Jesus Christ.

Human: We killed him.


© Andy Lund 1999, all rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. He may be contacted at: