By Michael M. Jessup
Our modern-day heroes all come to a sticky end. Jesus is the only true super-hero.
Katie Korpusel -An enthusiastic reporter
Spider Man -Based on the character in Spider Man
Neo -Based on the character in The Matrix
SpongeBob -Based on Nickelodeon's SpongeBob
Darth Vader -Based on the character in Star Wars
Katie: (Enters). Good morning and welcome to the National Planet -starring me - Katie Korpusel. Remember, I'm the star and you're not. On today's show, we have exclusive coverage - we have the dirt, the low down, the truth, the real story that Hollywood doesn't want you to see. We go undercover, and investigate what really happened to some of our most beloved superheroes. And it's the truth, no fiction here. Why? Because I'm cute and perky, and everyone likes me. Let's begin with the tragic story of Spider Man. You remember him - made goo out of the Green Goblin, inked out Doc Ock. Here's some clips that made him famous.
Spider Man: (Enters) Hi, I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider Man. With great power comes great responsibility. This is my gift, this is my curse. (Stands sideways bends over facing audience, and makes kissing faces and noises.) No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the ones I love will always be the ones that pay.
Katie: So what ever happened to our hero, Spider Man? Well (Katie moves closer to audience), according to the World Wide Web, Spider Man was crushed underfoot by a parade of angry, striking, exterminators. It seems nobody wanted to kill anymore little insects, putting thousands of pest control operators out of a job. Some called it a "sting operation," but I think of it more as a Raid. (Spider Man falls to floor, convulsing, and slowly dies like a bug!)
Let's look at another hero. One of my personal favorites - Neo. You remember Neo - followed the white rabbit and took the blue pill. Here's some clips from that unforgettable Neo:
Neo: Whoa. Déjà vu.
I thought it was real.
Whoa? What's a spoon?
Whoa? Wait, I've already said that.
I know you're out there, I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid . . . you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. No, I don't believe . . .
Katie: Okay, that's enough; you know that guy is really annoying. Apparently, while creating a world without rules or control, without borders or boundaries, Neo took a trip to Alaska. Seems he got his tongue stuck on a metal pole and drained his battery. I guess he wasn't the one.
And how about the loveable hero from Bikini Bottoms, SpongeBob Squarepants. Well, here's a few clips from the ever so entertaining SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Oh, barnacles.
Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets!
Ahhh! Help, Gary, I closed the window on my head!
That's it Mister! You just lost your brain privileges!
Katie: It happened, what we all feared.
SpongeBob: Do you smell it? That smell. A kind a smelly smell. The smell that smells. . . smelly.
Katie: Following that smelly smell, it seems that SpongeBob had an unfortunate encounter with Mr. Clean. Although absorbent, yellow, and porous is he, apparently, some sponges are flushable you see. As SpongeBob was getting the big swirlly, the his last words were. . .
SpongeBob: I can't see my foooooorhead! Don't worry, tomorrow we'll be back for more frolic and fun. (SpongeBob swirls and dies)
Katie: Apparently not. I will never eat pineapple again.
Now, I need to let you in on a little secret. You think you know what happens to Darth Vader. Here are a few scenes from Darth's galactic adventures.
Darth: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. Join me and I will complete your training. If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. I am your father.
Katie: Well, our investigative team has found some deleted scenes that explained what really happened to Darth Vader. Unknown to even his best friends, Darth was obsessed with lava lamps. He collected them, and presumably, had hundreds. He would stare at them for hours. One evening, while cleaning his light saber, it discharged. (Darth mimes this and dies.) Who knew that when lava lamps get hot, they explode, spewing hot lava and poisonous gases? Yes, an exploding lava lamp killed Darth. Lights out for him.
A few days ago, we reported the death of notorious spiritual leader Jesus Christ. (Jesus enters stands arms out like was crucified. Eventually lies down on corner of stage.) According to eyewitnesses, he was brutally beaten, crucified, and hung on a cross to die. Fearing reprisals, he was placed in a sealed tomb guarded by Roman soldiers. Now, breaking news. The tomb is empty, He is risen, and his body has been resurrected. There are now hundreds of eyewitness reports of seeing and talking to the resurrected Christ. (Jesus rises and lifts his hands to heaven. Spider Man, Neo, SpongeBob, and Darth all bow on knees to worship him. Wow. Now there's a real superhero.
Copyright Michael M. Jessup, all rights reserved.
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