The South Adelaide Evangelical Ladies’ Guild Dramatic Society presents..
The First Christmas
A Musical

Written by Kerrie Polkinghorne 2007

Summary
This play is a parody of the Christmas story, as put on by the well-meaning (but dreadful) members of the South Adelaide Evangelical Ladies’ Guild Dramatic Society. Things go from bad to worse throughout the play as sets are put back to front, props go missing, actors fall sick, and escalating technical difficulties turn the classic story of Christmas into a classic mess! 

Roles (can be doubled/tripled by actors)

MC
Narrator
Director
Stagehand/Mary 
Soldier
Servant 
Extra servants (2)
King Herod
Priests (2)
Zechariah
Angel (voiceover only)
Elizabeth
Bartender
Joseph
Friends (2)
Prophet
Herald
Donkey (2)
Inn Keeper
Shepherds (2)
Wise Men (3)

Characters (13)
Doris (MC & Shepherd 1) – A lovely senior citizen who has organised and promoted this event. Doris is proud as punch of all the talent being showcased and can’t think of anything better in the world than the theatre. And local theatre is nearly as good as the real thing. 
Fran (Narrator) – a 32-year-old librarian with aspirations to have a conversation with a real man very soon... if only she could pluck up the courage. A model employee, Fran takes her job very seriously and hopes to be a kindergarten teacher one day.
Gazz (Director) – An experienced director who has no time for amateurs. He has been in show business for 25 years, producing several productions of his own. A no-nonsense, snappy man who is only directing this show because his auntie is on the board and has been begging him for 3 years. Hopefully this will keep her off his case.
Dave (Stagehand/Mary) – Dave is a strong and able young man who has been the volunteering for the society for 18 months. He loves his job but has secret aspirations to be on the stage himself one day. 
Gwenyth (Soldier, Friend 1 & Wiseman 3) – Gwenyth is a very quiet and shy lady who suffers from stage fright. As her first performance, Gwenyth is dreading the spotlight. Throughout the performance, however, her confidence and courage grows. 
Les (Servant, Bartender & Inn Keeper) – Les is an easy-going lad who enjoys all the attention he can get. Despite sometimes being a little lonely, Les puts on a cheerful front and is always larger than life on the stage.
Stefan (extra servant (scene 1), Priest 1 & Wiseman 2) – Stefan has very little experience with acting but is always “keen to help out” in any way needed. He is an over-enthusiastic but terrible actor despite the best of intentions. One day he wants to be bigger than Tom Cruise. 
Charlotte (extra servant (scene 1), Elizabeth & Donkey Head) – Though a great vocalist. Charlotte tends to be a bit of an air-head when it comes to the rest of life. She spends more time on preening herself and buying clothes than she does on learning lines. Despite this Charlotte is larger-than-life on stage and always lights up the show, particularly in musicals.
Geoff (Herod & Shepherd 2) – While he has a smaller role in this production, Geoff has had his fair share of lead roles in the past. He takes it in his stride and is happy to help out Dave backstage while other “young’uns” come up the ranks. He is 40 years old with 2 sons, both of whom are following in his show-biz footsteps.  
Beryl (Priest 2, Friend 2 & Donkey Tail) – Beryl is a 58-year-old ex-headmistress of an all-girls border college. She rarely appears on the stage but since retiring she is trying to unwind in creative ways, even though every part of her is actually against it. A perfectionist by nature, Beryl remains uptight and rigid and treats other cast members like her students, despite her desire to change.   
Dominic (Zechariah & Wiseman 1) – Dominic is a middle-aged single man who is usually quiet and keeps to himself. However on stage he unleashes his true self: a crowd-thirsty performer who lives and breathes for the spotlight. He has always wanted his own solo song and can’t wait for the world to her his singing debut. One day he will write his own musical and be the main star, and this opportunity might just be his big break.
Barnabas (Angel (voiceovers), Prophet & Herald) – Barnabas is an elderly man who fought in Vietnam as a sergeant. He is strict on himself and on others and expects only the best effort. However Barnabas has a love for traditional Elizabethan theatre and enjoys its dramatic presentational style of acting. He looks forward to his moments of glory when he will exceed everyone’s expectations.
Graham (Joseph) – Graham is a pessimist by nature and seems to get all the bad luck. He has been divorced for 18 months and this production is a way of getting  his life back on track. He takes everything he does very seriously and is easily frustrated when things don’t go his way. 
Script
Prologue
Spotlight.
MC	Good morning ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, distinguished guests, and the rest of you. Welcome to the South Adelaide Evangelical Ladies’ Guild Dramatic Society’s performance of The First Christmas. The cast and crew have been working very hard for the last 9 months on this production and we hope you will be inspired and enthralled by the show, not to mention the quality of acting, sets, costumes and lighting. 

Doris is continuously being interrupted by a crew member (behind audience) who 
is talking to another crew member about the attendance or something). Eventually 
Doris stops her prologue to address the crew member politely (covering her 
embarrassment). 
 
Excuse me? .(more talking) Excuse me! (talking stops) Could you perhaps chat later? Thank you ever so much. (To audience) Where was I? Oh yes! A special thanks to all those who contributed toward the production in any way, particularly Mrs Kettle’s delightful honey biscuits and Carmen Dabney’s homemade fig jam made for the crew members. A special reminder to all those who are interested in joining the society, we have an exciting monthly newsletter and an annual quiz night to raise funds for the various productions we put on.  Last year no less than 30 people packed the old community hall for what was a smashing Quiz Night, hosted by our very own Gordon Mitchell. A highlight of the evening was of course the scrumptious supper put on by the Guild ladies. So don’t miss out, youngsters! And keep your ears out for early next year when we will be debuting the Ascension Day Musical, Higher and Higher. I came up with the name – quite catchy don’t you think? Oh my happy Aunt, I’m getting giddy up here just thinking about all the tremendous performances that the Society has put on over the years. But if this one doesn’t top them all, I’ll eat my hat! Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, please put your hands together for .. The First Christmas! 

Lights up. (Or curtain open)

SCENE 1 – HEROD’S CHAMBERS

Director is sitting in Director’s chair SL, watching play. Set is completely back to front, actors face the back wall unaware. King Herod is on the throne being pampered by extra servants (fresh fruit, large fan, toenail clipping). Servant enters to speak to King Herod. Narrator is standing in wings SR, watching play.

Soldier 	(stops servant) Halt! What is your business here?
Servant 	Just a lowly servant, requesting an audience with King Herod. 
Soldier 	(walks over to King, whispers in his ear)
Herod 		Send him in! I deeply desire news of the city.
Soldier	(salutes king with wrong hand, bangs forehead with sword. Walks sheepishly back to servant) The king will see you now.
Servant walks in & kneels.
Servant		My Liege! 
Herod 		What news have you of the city this day? 
Servant	There is nothing of great significance your Majesty, the tax rise has been successfully implemented and all rebels have been silenced.  
Herod	Good, good. And what of the preparations for the Day of Atonement?
Servant 	The proceedings are going well at this stage. There is a sizeable crowd gathering at the Temple for the annual sacrifice.
Herod		And who has the honour of offering the sacrifice this year?
Servant	It is yet to be decided to whom the task will lie. But if your Grace would allow me to speak freely, there are the usual speculations as to the worthiness of any of the so-called ‘holy people’. 
Herod	Exactly what are you insinuating? I’ll have you know that not all priests are corrupt. Zechariah is a righteous man and a faithful servant who has always observed the law. End of story, I’ll not have his character questioned any longer.
Servant 	I apologise profusely your Highness. Please forgive your humble servant for his impudence. 
Herod		Now bring me a pitcher of wine, my throat is parched.
[Actors continue the scene in silence]

Director accidentally drops script behind him and in picking it up notices audience for the first time, then realises the dilemma that the entire show is back to front. He tries to get Narrator’s attention, but Narrator is busy filing nails etc.

Director	Psst!

Narrator is oblivious & starts to file toenails etc.

Director 	Oiye! Boof head!

Narrator looks up, sees Director… discreetly creeps ‘backstage’ to speak to him.

Narrator	What are you doing? Get off stage! Can’t you see there’s a show going on? (Continues filing and preening ridiculously)
Director	That’s just it, dufus. You think there’s a show going on hey? Well take a look at the audience!

Narrator is preening out of control, looks to the back of the stage, sees no audience, then suddenly realises that she is making a fool out of herself in front of the real audience. Stops preening. Smiles cheesily at the audience.

Narrator	(Still smiling, talking under breath) It’s Dave’s fault! Thinks he’s such a brilliant stagehand – he put these sets up in the dark! “I don’t need your help”, he says! Typical male, think they know everything!

A moment of silent panic for Narrator and Director. 

Director	(to cast) Psst! Psst!! (Motions them to look at audience)

Cast looks around and sees audience. All pause momentarily and then move in a simultaneous frenzy to rearrange the set to face the correct way. 
Blackout. Cast & crew rearrange set to face front. Lights up 1st time – cast not ready yet (still arranging). Blackout again. Lights up, characters carry on pampering Herod like nothing has happened. 
[N.B. Director remains in wings for the remainder of the play]

Herod	(As if nothing happened) That is all I require of you. Now leave my presence and return to the temple for the sacrifice.

Servant bows. Soldier sees servant out. 
Blackout.

SCENE 2 – JEWISH TEMPLE

Zechariah and the other priests walk on in a sacred precession, holding candles etc to sacred organ music. Suddenly music distorts/speeds up & priests are forced to hurry on to stage.

Priest 1 	Oh I do sincerely pray for the blessing to enter the Temple this day, though I feel the Lord sayeth to me that the blessing, in fact, shines most gloriously upon you, brother.
Priest 2 	Oh my brother truly is kind to offer such an honour, but my humility would not allow me to accept such great an honour when you are truly more righteous than I. 
Priest 1 	Oh what bashfulness – I assure you I am no match for your righteousness. I really do insist that the honour is yours.
Priest 2 	(Getting annoyed) No I insist that the honour is yours. 
Priest 1	No I insist… let’s just cast lots according to the law of Moses, and let God Almighty decide, shall we?

Zechariah enters.

Priest 2 	Fine. Zechariah! It is time for the traditional casting of lots.
Zechariah 	Very well. 

Pause as they look at each other blankly.

Priest 1 	….. Zechariah, you do have the lots, don’t you? 

Zechariah rummages through his pockets for the lots. Realises they are missing.

Zechariah	The lots.. seem to be missing.. (covering) .. uh.. I seem to have left the lots back in my other.. priestly garments..

Director	(whispers backstage) Lots! Lots! Where are the lots? (no response)
Priest 1 	(Pause, then trying to recover the scene) Uh.. I hear Rock Paper Scissors is all the rage nowadays..

They do Rock Paper Scissors. Zechariah wins.

Zechariah 	Yes!

Director pokes head in, flicks through script.

Director 	Wait a minute.. he’s supposed to lose!
Priest 2 	Oh.. uh.. I feel the Lord saying to us.. uh.. Best 2 out of 3?

The play again, Zechariah wins again. 

Zechariah 	Yes!
Priest 1 	(quietly) You’re supposed to lose!
Zechariah	I don’t like losing!
Priest 2 	Well how are we supposed to work out who goes in to the Temple?
Priest 1 & 2 	Shot gun not!
Zechariah 	(Later) Shot gun not! D’oh!

Priests point at him and & laugh, then realise they are out of character and slip back into character.

Priests	The Lord’s light truly does shine upon you today, you are truly blessed by the Lord oh Zechariah.
Zechariah	(Nobly) I am ready and willing to serve the Lord in any thing he asks of me. Now I shall prepare the sacrifice for… sacrificing. (Looks around) Where is the sacrifice? (Whispering/coughing to wings) Where is it? The sacrifice?

A commotion backstage and whispering about the sacrifice. A stuffed cow is 
thrown across stage, missing Zechariah altogether, to opposite curtain. Moo SFX
out of time.

Zechariah	(Covering) Um.. it appears the sacrifice is .. defective. The incense will have to suffice. (Looks at Priests, resigned)

Silent pause. Priests start to look around for the incense, while Director emerges from the wing.

Director	Where is the incense?! DAVE!

Stagehand	(Emerges from wing, whispering) This is all I could find. (holds up a can of air freshener)
Director	I will have to do. Give it to me, I’ll take care of it.

Director ‘saves’ situation by entering stage with air freshener, whistling in the character of a cockney paper boy, hops between set to avoid ‘being seen’ by audience before entering stage.

Director	(in paper boy character) Good day sirs! Care for today’s copy of the ‘Tiser?
Zechariah 	The what?
Director 	(out of character) The “newspaper”! (Hands Zechariah the air freshener, which is disguised in newspaper. Zechariah is confused, then realises. Goes along with the plan.)
Zechariah	Oh the ‘Advertiser’! Yes give me a copy right away. (Opens paper, air freshener falls out. Looks confused at air freshener.) 
Priest 1	(Saving) Yes, uh.. we’re trialling a new brand of incense this year. That will be all, paperboy. 
Director	The pleasure is mine sir! Good day to you gentlemen!

Director hops back offstage. Priests exit.
Zechariah walks reverently into the temple carrying air freshener.

Zechariah 	O Lord I humble myself in your most holy presence. For thou art great and mighty and worthy of the praises of your people. May you O Lord be pleased with the fragrance of our worship, like the sweet-smelling fragrance of … (looks at air freshener) Ocean Breeze. Save us O Lord from the odour of sinners..
Narrator	Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared before Zechariah…

Angel dropdown (doll) appears behind Zechariah, he eventually turns around and looks at it with a blank face.

Narrator	And Zechariah was terrified.

Zechariah cries out & shakes in fear.

Angel (voiceover) Be not afraid, O humble servant of the Lord Most High. The 
Lord has seen your good deeds and pure heart and has chosen you for a special honour. For the Lord will bless you, and your offspring will be as many as the stars in the sky. Your wife Elizabeth will bear a son and he will do mighty things. He will prepare the way of the Lord as did the prophets of your forefathers... 

(N.B. Angel is pulled back up before finishing sentence and voiceover has to speed up last sentence to get it out in time.)

Zechariah 	My wife Elizabeth? She is well past childbearing age. We have long given up on having children. Surely you have me confused with someone else, O holy messenger of the Lord Most High.

Angel is let down again to continue speech.

Angel 	Oh ye of little faith! Do you dare question the power of the Lord almighty? For with the Lord nothing is impossible. But since you have doubted the Lord’s ability – you shall become mute until the child is born.

Zechariah can no longer speak, despite attempts.

Angel 		I leave you now, go in peace. 

Awkward silence as all wait for angel to be pulled up. Is not pulled up.

Angel 		Fare thee well.. (Pause)
		Toodooloo! (Pause)
Director	(to crew) Get it out of here!

Angel is pulled up, Zechariah leaves the temple, Priests return.

Priest 1	Tell us, Zechariah, what sayeth the Lord to you while you were in His most holy presence?

Zechariah does not respond.

Priest 2 	Well, speak man! Do not keep the Lord’s holy words to thyself!

No response. Zechariah motions something.

Priest 1	He’s trying to say something. Maybe his wife can translate his gesticulations. Where is Elizabeth?
Elizabeth 	Here I am.

Elizabeth steps out of the crowd, heavily pregnant.

Priest 2	My goodness Elizabeth, you look.. well!
Elizabeth 	(to Zechariah) Zechariah! What has happened to you?

Zechariah motions a very brief statement/gesture. 

Elizabeth 	(translating) Oh.. an angel of the Lord has visited you and I am with child! 

SONG  (Elizabeth)
To the tune of Don’t Call Me Baby (Maddison Avenue)
Vs 1
You and me, were gonna have a baby
And he’s a gift to us from the Lord
But you, you think that I am far too old
I’m here to tell you baby
I know how to raise a child

Refrain
Don’t think that I’m too old
I don’t even smell like mould
Just have a look into my face
No botox here, not a trace

You don’t know me
The way you really should
You sure misunderstood…
I’m not too old to have a baby

And you can’t talk now baby that’s what you deserve
Don’t believe God, boy you’ve got some nerve
I’m not too old to have a baby
So you just shut your mouth while I have my baby

Vs 2
You and me, we’ll have a special baby 
And he will wear some really crazy clothes
And he will baptise the Son of God
I’m here to tell ya, he’ll prepare the way for the Lord

Repeat Refrain

Blackout 

SCENE 3 – MARY’S VISITATION

Lights up, bare stage. Spotlight on an unsuspecting Narrator.

Narrator 	(to stagehand) What’s going on Dave? Who’s on now?
Stagehand	(Rummages through script) It’s Mary & Joseph’s scene.
Director 	Where’s Mary? Why isn’t she here? Mildred you’re on!
Stagehand 	Oh.. that’s right, I forgot to tell you earlier, Mildred just came back from a trip to India and is feeling slightly under the weather. (Fart SFX)
Narrator	What was that?
Stagehand 	Well she managed to make it to the studio but she really can’t go on. (Fart SFX) 
Director 	Oh that’s just perfect! Now what are we going to do? We need to find someone who can play Mary. Someone who knows the lines like the back of their.. 

They look around and stop at Stagehand.

Stagehand	Oh no.. not a chance!
Director	Come on Dave! You’ve been reciting the lines since day one! You’re the only one who can do it!
Stagehand	I’m a stagehand, not an actor! And besides, I can’t play a woman! She’s a she and I’m a he-she.. I mean a he-he! .. I can’t do it!
Narrator	It’s OK, we’ve got a wig you can wear… (Grabs Mary outfit from the wings)
Stagehand	No, I won’t do it and that’s final.
Director	It could be the launch of a new career for you Dave! Do you want to let everyone down – we’ve been working for 9 months on this production and you’re the only one who can save it! 
Stagehand	No way!
Narrator	Come on.. you get to wear a pretty dress..
Stagehand 	(Smiles, grabs dress) OK! (Runs offstage)

A pleased Narrator and Director return to their places. Director stops and looks around. 

Director	And where’s our Joseph?

Joseph enters on crutches with leg in plaster.

Narrator 	What happened to you?!
Joseph		Well, as I was getting out of the car…
Director		You got hit by a car?! (horrified)
Joseph	No, dad dropped me off and as I was leaving he told me to ‘break a leg’. 
Director	And.. what happened?!
Joseph	I caught my foot in the seatbelt and .. well.. I’m in this cast for 6 weeks!
Director 	(Unsympathetic) Well.. the show must go on. Now go out there and break a leg! Director pushes Joseph back into the curtain to get ready.
Joseph 	(Loses balance and falls backstage) No no! (Crash SFX)
Narrator	In those days there was a man named Joseph engaged to be married to a woman named Mary.

Mary (Stagehand) enters nervously and pretties herself, waiting for Joseph. Joseph enters from the opposite side, but he is concentrating so much on his leg that he doesn’t notice that Mary is now a male. They meet closely CS.

Mary		(In man voice) Hello.. (clears throat, in woman voice) Hello Joseph.
Joseph		(In pain and horror at Mary) Shalom my betrothed.. what the..?!

In panic, Mary grabs Joseph and tries to kiss him, Joseph struggles to free himself.

Narrator	(saving) Suddenly an angel in white robes appeared from the sky.

Mary looks to place the angel dropped last time. Nothing happens.

Narrator	(Louder) An angel appeared from the sky…

Angel drops down behind Mary, she turns & kneels. Joseph tries to kneel but struggles with crutches.

Mary 		(to Joseph) You’re not in this scene! Get out!

Pushes Joseph backstage, he falls. (Crash SFX)

Angel		Greetings favoured woman, the Lord is with you!
Narrator 	Mary was confused and disturbed by such a strange greeting and wondered what the angel meant.

SONG (Mary) 
To the tune of Yesterday (The Beatles)
Vs 1
Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away
I was just sitting down in the hay
Oh yesterday was Saturday

Vs 2
Suddenly I’m not half the girl I used to be
There’s an angel hanging over me 
I really think I have to wee

Bridge
Why he’s visiting I don’t know
He hasn’t said
I’m just humble Mary
But he called me favoured

Vs 3
Yesterday I was running the city to the bay
To lose five kilos for my wedding day
Now I’m too scared to run away

Tag
I need a place to hide away
I wish it was still yesterday

Angel	Don’t be afraid Mary, for you have found favour with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be very great and will be called the son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David and he will reign over Israel forever, his kingdom will never end.
Mary		But how can this happen? I am a virgin.
Angel	The Holy Spirit will come upon you and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy and he will be called the Son of God. What’s more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren but she’s now in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.
Mary	I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.

Blackout (musical interlude)
Lights go up on Scene 4 before ready, blackout again.

 SCENE 4 – LOCAL TAVERN

In the tavern, Joseph’s friends are gossiping between themselves (about Joseph), and stop silent when they see him enter. Joseph enters, now with arm in sling, and sits at the bar, noticing the uncomfortable silence. When he looks at them, they look away. 

Barman		What can I do you for, Jo?

Joseph keeps looking around, and eventually he breaks the silence.

Joseph		What?!!
Friend 1	What? Nothing.
Joseph		I noticed everyone stopped talking as I walked in.
Friend 2	We weren’t talking about anything. You’re imagining things, Joseph.
Joseph		Very well. I know when I’m being excluded. (Goes to leave)
Barman		Wait Joseph. Sit down. Look, you didn’t hear it from me, but.. (whispers in his ear)
Joseph 		(In shock) What?! Mary’s pregnant?! (Starts crying, friends leave awkwardly) How could she do this to me, the traitor! I thought she loved me and now she’s pregnant to another man! How can I go on to marry such a woman? My life is over! My reputation will be ruined!

SONG (Joseph)
To the tune of We Will Rock You (Queen)
Vs 1
Mary is a girl, was gonna make her my wife
‘Til I just found out she’s been cheatin’ on me
I’m going round to her place to tell it to her face
That she’s just nothing more than a big disgrace

Chorus
(Singing) I will I will dump you
I will I will dump you

Vs 2
Mary is a girl, who wrecked my whole world
She played me for a fool, made me look like a tool
She cheated on me and that’s pretty rough
Now the wedding is off, enough is enough

Vs 3
Mary you’re a goner, I’m not putting up with this
What will all my family say
About this deceit, now you’ll never marry me
I’m throwin’ all your stuff right out on the street 

Barman	Look I think you need to take some time out to get your head straight mate. How about you sleep it off eh?
Joseph	(resists, angry) No no I’m fine! I can’t sleep right now I’ve got something really important to do! I’ve got to go and break it off with.. (knocks over a glass in anger)
Inn Keeper	That’s it buddy. Bar’s closed.

Inn Keeper drags Joseph kicking and screaming onto the sidewalk and throws him out. Joseph howls in pain. 

Narrator 	And Joseph fell into a deep sleep.. 

Joseph immediately falls asleep.

Narrator	And while he was dreaming an angel of the Lord appeared to him. (to offstage) Where’s the angel?

Angel is thrown onto Joseph, waking him up. (Saving, he uses angel as a puppet)

Angel	Joseph, son of David! Do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. She will have a son and you are to name him Jesus. For he will save his people from their sins. 
Narrator	And the angel disappeared.

Joseph tosses angel offstage.

Joseph	(back-pedalling) I guess she’s not that bad after all. 
Narrator	All this occurred to fulfil the Lord’s message through his prophet…

Prophet enters stage proudly – it’s finally his moment. He looks the part but speaks in a surprising voice/accent. (Music build up)

Prophet 	Look! The virgin will conceive a child. She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means, ‘God is with us’. 

Awkward pause, then blackout.

SCENE 5 – ELIZABETH’S HOUSE
A pregnant Mary enters, in greeted by Zechariah. Elizabeth is enormously pregnant. 

Narrator 	Now Mary arose in those days and went into the hill country with haste to a city of Judah and entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth. And it happened when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary that the babe leapt in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.

Mary greets Zechariah; and Elizabeth (who is in the next room), hears the 
greeting and jumps up and down few times (the baby leapt in her womb). Mary and 
Elizabeth greet each other and do a girly squeal.

Elizabeth 	Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit in your womb. But why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord shall come to me. For indeed as soon as the voice of your greeting sounded in my ears, the babe leapt in my womb for joy. Blessed is she who believed, for there will be fulfilment of those things which were told to her from the Lord.

SONG (Mary and Elizabeth)
To the tune of Mamma Mia (Abba)
*NB: During song the 2 pregnant women are constantly knocking over props etc with their fat stomachs.

Vs 1
(Elizabeth) I’ve been blessed from above like I can’t believe
I thought I was too old, far too old to conceive
(Mary) Look at me now, I’ve got a baby bump
I don’t know how, but I’ve suddenly got no room
There’s a baby within my womb

Pre Chorus
(Together) Just one look and you will see that it’s true
God will always keep His promise to you (woah woah)

Chorus
Mamma mia you are pregnant
My my, I just can’t believe it’s true
Mamma mia you look radiant
My my, I’m so happy for you

Bridge
(Elizabeth) Oh you are blessed my cousin
(Mary) And you too my cousin
(Together) My my, this is really happening

Vs 2
(Mary) You’ve been blessed from above like I can’t believe
You thought you were too old, far too old to conceive
(Elizabeth) Look at me now, I’ve got a baby bump
I don’t know how, but I’ve suddenly got no room
There’s a baby within my womb

Repeat Pre Chorus, Chorus x2

Narrator 	Mary remained with Elizabeth for 3 months, after which she returned to her house. Now Elizabeth’s full time came for her child to be delivered and she bought forth a son. (Elizabeth exits to take stuffing out of stomach and re-enters with child. Friends enter also.) When her neighbours and relatives heard how the Lord had shown great mercy to her, they rejoiced with her. They would have called him Zechariah, after his father, but his mother answered and said..
Elizabeth	No, he shall be called John.
Friend 1 	There is no-one among your relatives who is called by this name. I’m sure Zechariah will agree. 

They yell and make large gestures to Zechariah (“What do you want your son to be called?”) 

Elizabeth	He’s not deaf. (Gives Zechariah something to write on, Zechariah writes “His name is John”. All marvel ooh ahh.)
Narrator	Immediately his mouth was opened and his tongue loosed, and he spoke, praising God.

SONG (Zechariah) 
To the tune of You Raise Me Up (Josh Groban)
Vs
When I was down and oh my soul so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
I was still and waited in the silence
Until you came and sent my son to me

Chorus
You shut me up so I would stop and listen 
You shut me up to hear your voice again
I was wrong to ever doubt your promise
You shut me up, now I can speak again

Repeat chorus over and over again, key change, etc. (Goes on forever)
Chorus sing “Shut him up” on repeats after first line of chorus.
Last line tag, curtain operator thinks it’s the end and starts to close, but opens again when Joseph sings last line once more.

Blackout

SCENE 6 – BETHLEHEM TOWN
Narrator 	And it came to pass in those days that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered.

Herald enters, hears horse SFX and realises he should be riding a horse. Mimes riding the horse. SFX keep going long after he has stepped off the horse. Trumpet fanfare – when it stops he goes to speak but fanfare continues. Repeat several times.

Herald	(Unravelling scroll) Here ye here ye. On behalf of the Roman Emperor Caesar Augustus I hereby decree a census for all citizens across the Empire of Rome. Every man shall make his way to his city of birth to register his family. That is all. (Exits, ignores horse SFX)

Narrator 	(In one sentence) Joseph went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth into Judea, into the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed wife, who was with child. Who wrote these ridiculous sentences?! 

Mary and Joseph enter back of theatre to front stage, riding on a donkey. Donkey is manoeuvred by 2 cast members. (Mary is now enormously pregnant)
Dnky Head	Stop pushing me! I’m supposed to be leading here! 
Dnky Tail 	I can’t help it, can we just hurry this part up? I can’t breathe under here!
Dnky Head 	It’s not my fault she weighs a tonne! I swear she wasn’t this heavy during rehearsals!

Donkey stops at bottom of stage, unable to go any further because of steps.

Joseph 		Come on you lazy .. ass! Keep going!
Dnky Tail 	(Whispers) I resent that! Anyway there’s no wheelchair access to the stage! We can’t go any further!
Joseph 		(to Mary, saving) Uhh.. well, this will do.. isn’t this nice, honey? 
Mary		(Looks up, sees no sets on stage) It looks pretty bare to me.

Director pokes head through curtain.

Director	Oh! What’s happened to our set? Honestly you people are hopeless! (Storms backstage)
Joseph	Where’s our stupid stagehand? Every time you need him he’s not around. Talk about a worthless good-for-nothing.. (turns to Mary, realising).. oh.. yeah.
Mary	You can’t expect me to be the main role and still put up all the sets! I can’t work under these conditions! (Pulls off wig and storms backstage)
Director	Blackout!

Blackout
Cast members help to mantle set. Donkey is still on stage when lights go up.

Dnky Tail	The lights are up! Get us out of here!
Dnky Head	I can’t! I think the wheels are stuck!

In desperation a crew member grabs a white sheet and covers over the donkey 
(to hide it). Blackout while set is still being mantled. Meanwhile, Mary
has got changed into Stagehand clothes and is leaving with bags packed.

Mary	(to Director) I’ve had enough of this rubbish. This is an absolute nightmare! I will not be associated with a company that has such ridiculous expectations of its employees – I quit!
Director	What? You can’t quit! You’re Mary! 
Mary	I don’t care. Get yourself another Mary. I’m outta here. 
Director	Please.. stop! You can’t walk out right now… today is the most important show.. Mr Stellmacher, the international drama critic is in the audience!

Mary pauses.

Mary	Really? Where is he?

They look into audience.

Director	He’s sitting right there. If he approves the play we have our ticket to Broadway! You can’t leave now – we need you!

Mary is annoyed but wants to make a good impression.

Mary	Well.. just this once.. and you owe me. But don’t think I’m going to be juggling 2 jobs at once. This one’s hard enough. Did you see him nearly kiss me before?
Director	(pushing Mary back into the curtains to get changed) Yes yes, you’re doing a wonderful job. So lifelike, just like the real Mary, trust me. Now get out there and break a le… uh.. do your thing!

Mary gets half-changed into costume again while the set is still being mantled. 
Donkey is still on stage with sheet over it, for the remainder of the scene. Mary 
rejoins Joseph at the foot of the stage. They step up onto stage, Joseph knocks 
on Inn Keeper’s door.

Inn Keeper	No room. (Slams door)
Joseph 	Oh bother. Better try another place. 

They walk in a circle and arrive at the same door, pretending it is different. They knock, and the same Inn Keeper opens, speaks each time with a different accent. (Or with a different hat on etc.)

Inn Keeper 	No room for you! (Aka the Soup Nazi)
Joseph	How frustrating. Oh well, let’s push on.

Joseph and Mary do the same again, expecting the door to be slammed in their faces again.

Inn Keeper 	Oh hello. I suppose you’re wanting a room.
Joseph 		Yes everyone keeps saying we should get a room...
Inn Keeper 	Mmm, well I’m sorry, we really don’t have anywhere you can stay. It is the census you know. 
Mary 	Oh please! Can’t you do something?! I’m a little emotional right now!
Inn Keeper 	Well we do have a back room that you’re more than welcome to use if you like… well actually it’s a humble stable for all the guest’s animals. It’s the only room left if you want it.

Director interrupts scene, walks out on stage.

Director	Hold it, hold it! Cut! Listen up everybody! We told Pastor David that this would be a 40 minute show and we’ve only got 3 minutes to go!
Joseph	But Mary hasn’t even had the baby yet! 
Inn Keeper	Yeah and if we skipped all those annoying songs we might have been able to fit it all in! 
Director	I know but if we don’t finish in time we’ll only get out of here after midday and you know how I hate that! Plus I’ve got a chicken in the oven. So you need to wrap this thing up in less than 3 minutes, starting .. now!

N.B. The remainder of the play is done at ‘fast-forward’ speed.
Blackout. Rearrange set to Stable set.

SCENE 7 – STABLE

Narrator	It was while they were there, the days were completed for her child to be delivered. And she bought forth her first-born son, and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger.

Mary is in labour, Joseph is by her side. Mary grips Joseph’s hand tightly whilst yelling and screaming.

Mary		I hate you Joseph! Why did you do this to me?
Joseph		But I didn’t. 
Mary		I don’t care I’m going to kill you anyway.

Director runs on stage to Mary and Joseph.

Director	Cut, cut! This scene is cut! We don’t have enough time, and quite frankly it’s disgusting! Bring on the baby!

Baby (doll) is thrown on stage, someone shouting “it’s a boy!” (Crying SFX), Mary pulls stuffing out of her stomach, it’s the swaddling cloths, she wraps the baby in them.

Joseph 	Oh I’m so happy, I always wanted a son. I never had a brother. Someone to play football with me. I hope he plays football. I hope he’s not one of these unco-ordinated children, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just hope he’s a co-ordinated child and will play football. And of course there’s the carpentry trade, oh joy oh bliss!
Blackout.
Shepherds enter side stage. (Spot light)

Narrator	Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields keeping watch over their flocks by night. And behold an angel of the Lord stood before them and the glory of the Lord shone around them and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them:

Angel drops down too far and hits the floor. Stays on floor for speech.

Angel 	Do not be afraid for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a saviour who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: you will find a babe wrapped in swaddling cloths lying in a manger. 
Narrator	And suddenly there was, with the angel, a multitude of heavenly hosts praising God and saying:

(On projector – bad lip synching)

Angels	Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill towards men!
Narrator	So it was, when the angels had gone away from them into heaven, that the shepherds said to one another:
Shepherds	(simultaneously) Let us now go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has come to pass which the Lord has made known to us. 

Shepherds make their way to manger on stage.

Shepherd 2 	That’s my line!
Shepherd 1	I’m Shepherd 1!
Shepherd 2	No I’m Shepherd 1!

Wisemen enter from back of theatre.

Narrator	Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, in the day of Herod the King, behold wise men from the east arrived in Jerusalem, saying:
Wiseman 1 	Where is he who hath be born King of the Jews? 
Wiseman 2 	For we have seeneth his star in the East, and have come to worship him. (Look at W3 waiting for his line)
Wiseman 3 	(stunned from stage fright, says nothing.)

Servant is behind them, eavesdropping.

Servant 	(interrupts) What are you all talking about my good men?
Wiseman 2	Ah! Who are you?
Servant 	I am King Herod’s servant. I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation about going to see the King of the Jews. Who is this Christ and where is he to be born? King Herod would be very interested to learn of this.
Wiseman	In Bethlehem of Judea, for thus it is written by the prophet..

Prophet enters proudly.

Prophet 	But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are not the least among the rulers of Judah… (lights begin to fadeout).. hey! I’m not done yet! (lights still fading) .. for out of you shall come a ruler who will shepherd my people Israel. (Exits) 
Servant 	Fascinating. Please go and search carefully for the young child and when you have found him, bring back word to me that Herod may come and worship him also. 

Blackout.

Narrator 	When they heard the King they departed, and behold, the star, which they had seen in the East, went before them til it came and stood over where the young Christ was. (Star light swings on stage) When they saw the star they rejoiced with exceedingly great joy.
Wiseman 1 	Whoo hoo!
Wiseman 2	Come on! (aka Lleyton Hewitt) (Look at W3 waiting for his line)
Wiseman 3 	(still stunned/afraid. Smiles and claps hands nervously)

They make their way to the manger. Star light turns off, they fall over each other in the darkness.

Director	(annoyed) Stage lights!

Lights up. Wisemen join the others at the manger.

Narrator	They entered the house and saw the child with his mother, Mary, and they bowed down and worshipped him. Then they opened their treasure chests and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Wisemen bow before the manger and open their bags. They pull out a gold bling chain, some designer perfume and a ‘Happy Birthday’ badge. 

Wiseman 1	(Whispering) Sorry the props department is having a shocker of a day.
Wiseman 3	(Nudging shepherds/animals, who aren’t willing to let him through to see the child. Plucks up the courage and overacts his speech to the audience) …The Messiah! We worship thee, we honour thee, we beseech thee, we humble ourselves before thee! Oh Lord thou art most holy, majestic, and worthy of praise and glory! (Wisemen 1&2 are surprised to hear him finally speak.)
Wisemen 1&2 	Uh.. Amen! (bow before the baby)

‘O Holy Night’ introduction begins and rest of cast enter and bow before the baby 
Jesus.

Narrator 	(Hurrying to finish) When it came time to leave they returned to their own country by another route, for God had warned them in a dream not to return to Herod.

Shepherds and Wisemen exit, leaving Mary and Joseph on stage with the baby 
Jesus. 

SONG (Mary & Joseph) - O Holy Night (traditional but very fast)
Blackout & curtain close. 

Spotlight

MC	There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, The First Christmas! I’m sure you would agree that the cast and crew were very .. um .. daring in their execution of the play, and the performance was all the better for it. Let’s show our appreciation to the cast, shall we? Come on everyone, take a bow! (Cast enter stage and take bows) And the crew! (Crew bows, and cast applaud Director and give him flowers. He is still annoyed and throws them away.) Wonderful, wonderful! On behalf of the South Adelaide Evangelical Ladies’ Guild Dramatic Society, thank you all so much for coming along today. Remember to sign up for our monthly newsletter and don’t miss out on viewing Dora and Lottie’s cross-stitch and patchwork quilt display on your way out today. See you all next year for some more thrilling performances! And Merry Christmas to you all!

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© Kerrie Polkinghorne, all rights reserved.,
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. She may be contacted at: kpolkinghorne@gmail.com