Proverbs 31 woman!

By Gwyneth Bedford

Summary

When two mates meet in a pub for a sociable drink, one extolls the virtues of his wife. Obvious references to a well-known New Zealand TV commercial. An American version of this script is also available.

Scripture

Proverbs 31

Characters

Bert
Fred
Ada, Fred's wife

Script

(Scene: Two blokes propping up a bar, glass of beer in hand, very rural, dog at their feet (stuffed!) Gum boots and hats. Backdrop of south Island – Cardrona pub - gentle background noise of pub chat.)
Bert: (Like they’re in mid conversation as we join them)   I’m telling you Mate, she’s an absolute gem, my Ruby.  Never been a woman like her.
Fred: That’s the beer talking Bert.
Bert:  Nah Mate, I’m telling you she’s the best  I have full confidence in her, there’s nothing she can’t handle. Best day’s work I ever did was marry that woman.
Fred: She must be to put up with you Bert.
Bert:  My life’s never been so sweet since I married that gal. She’s up at the crack and out and about before I’ve rolled out of bed.  Cooking or making  things.
Fred: Bet she spends all your money though.
Bert:  No, she’s a shrewd one, Fred.  I gave her her own bank account and allowance and Mate!, she went and bought some land, planted it up with vines.  She worked like a dog (No offence Shep) (TO DOG ON THE FLOOR!), and believe it or not it’s now a going concern. She’s turning a profit already.
Fred: I expect that means you’re living off take-aways ?
Bert:  Nope! Hot meal, every evening, without fail. Always inviting in waifs and strays too.  Got a heart of pure gold that woman.  Life and soul of any party. Always leaves me with a warm glow.
Fred: That’ll be the homebrew! Won’t it Bert?
Bert:  (Laughs). Tell you the truth Fred, I don’t know what I’d do without her, I depend on her.You know sometimes I worry about the days ahead but she just laughs and has this confidence about things, she always makes me feel better.
Fred: (shivers) Bit cold in here Arthur (Barman), put another log on the fire will yer? You cold Bert?
Bert:  No, my Ruby’s made me this scarlet waistcoat, beautifully warm it is. She made one for the kids as well. We all match! The Scarlet Squad they call us.
Fred: She’s a good ‘un alright.  She good with the little ‘uns?
Bert:  They all adore her of course, bless her.
Fred: You still on the local council, Bert?
Bert:  Yes, Mate, I am and at the last council meeting the chairman actually asked me what Ruby thought of the new bypass proposal! I think he’s got a soft spot for her, she must have made him some of her famous muffins.  It’s not done me any harm.  Behind every good man … Ah, I wouldn’t swap her for all the sheep in Southland.  Still mustn’t go on about her, boasting.   How’s your Ada?
(OLD HAG APPEARS AT SIDE OF STAGE, ROUGH AS..)
Ada: Fred, come and get yer supper.  It’s liver again and it’ll go hard if you let it go cold and I’m not heating  it up again.
Fred: Yes dear.  Your Ruby shure sounds like a  wonderful woman.
Bert:  Yes Mate, (pause) but there is one thing …..
Fred: What is it, mate?
Bert:  She doesn’t drink Speights, mate.
Fred: (amazed) Doesn’t drink Speights! (big pause) Sure is a hard road to find the perfect woman.
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Copyright June 2001 Gwyneth Bedford, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed without payment, provided no charge is made for entry. In return, the author would appreciate being notified of any performance. She may be contacted at: ukbedfords@xtra.co.nz