Summary: A look at what happens when the wrong thing takes our prime interest.
Style: Light-hearted (with an edge). Duration: 7min
Actors: 1M, 1F, 1M/F
Millie (his wife)
Klondike (their dog -- a person in dog costume)
(Herb enters with an attaché case. He is fatigued from work.)
Herb: (calls) Hi, Millie, I’m home from work!
Millie: (enters with a dog-costumed actor) Oh, good! You’re just in time to take Klondike for a walk. His doctor said that he has to start walking before and after dinner! He’s getting too f-a-t, you know, but don’t tell him that - (to dog) Klondike thinks he’s just perfect, doesn’t he! Yes! (Dog jumps upon Herb. Millie leaves.)
Herb: What the hell!? Okay, down Klondike! Down! Down! Go frolic on the highway, you stupid mutt!
(Herb gives Klondike a gentle push and Klondike howls in distress. He acts hurt and offended. Millie rushes in to comfort Klondike.)
Millie: Herb, have you lost your mind! (to Klondike) Oh, Poopsy! Don’t you worry, Mommy’s going to take care of you! Mommy’s going to kiss it better!
(She gets a leash and hands it to Herb.) Don’t worry, he’ll be fine once he gets on his walk! (She leaves again. Herb pretends like he’s going to strangle Klondike. When Klondike gives a threatening growl, Herb puts on the leash.)
Millie: (entering) Oh, it’s cold out, you’d better put on his new cashmere sweater. (They both struggle to get Klondike into a sweater.) There, isn’t he cute, Herb!?
(Herb rolls his eyes.) Now, you’re all ready to go!
(Herb acts as if he is being practically pulled off his feet as they leave for the park. He stumbles as he is being pulled back and forth on the stage until the audience laughs.)
Herb: (they stop) Well, here we are, Klondike, at the old Stoop and Scoop!
(Klondike barks with joy. Herb mutters to himself, recalling previous scene)
“Take Klondike for a walk!”
“Mommy’s going to kiss it better!”
”Isn’t he cute, Herb!?”
Oh, well, maybe I’ve been a little grouchy lately . After all, Millie and I have been married for twenty-three years . Maybe, when I go back, I’ll try being a little more of a loving husband.
(to Klondike) Okay, Klondike, you finished? (Klondike barks. Herb takes out a spoon and baggy and reluctantly picks up after Klondike. Throws baggy in trash can.) Okay, Klondike, let’s go home and eat!
(Herb acts as if he can barely keep up with the dog as he is dragged back and forth on the stage. When they get home. Millie meets them.)
Millie: Hhhh! Did you have a nice walky, Klondike?
Herb: Millie, I’m sorry if I was a little gruff tonight. I’ve been overworked and …
Millie: (unleashing Klondike) Oh, poopsy! Did you miss me? I missed you! (kisses Klondike) C’mon, it’s time for din-din!
Herb: Oh, great!
(Millie leaves. Klondike sits on chair.)
Herb: Hey, that’s my chair! You should sit on the floor. C’mon, Klondike, get down. (Klondike growls.)
Millie: (She brings two plates of food, a large one and a smaller one. The large one is for Klondike.) Oh, Herb, don’t be so immature, it’s just a chair! You can sit over there.
(They start to eat. Klondike quickly finishes and tries to get at Herb’s plate.)
Herb: Hey, get down! What’s the big idea! This is ridiculous!
Millie: Well, he’s still hungry, dear. He’s a growing boy!
(to Klondike) C’mere, Poopsy, Mommy will feed you. Leave Daddy Grump alone!
Herb: (glares) You four legged stomach! You’re going to drive me to the poorhouse one of these days!
(to himself) Oh, well, at least there’s a good game on tonight!
(He goes for his big chair but Klondike pushes him aside to sit there and gets comfortable.)
What the …! (calls) Millie! (louder) Millie!
Millie: (coming into room) What ‘s wrong, dear?
Herb: What’s wrong!? Look! Would you just move your big baby, please!?
Millie: But Herb, it’s 7:00; it’s time for Klondike’s favorite show - “Lassie, the Wonder Dog.”
Herb: (yells) What about my show!? And whatever happened to the interests of “the man of the house” here!?
Millie: Don’t raise your voice at me! Klondike is very sensitive; he hates to see us fight!
Herb: Why did you marry me, anyway? Why didn’t you marry Klondike if you love him so much?
Millie: Don’t be silly - Klondike wasn’t born then and ... Oh, I can’t even talk to you anymore! This has been going on for a long time and there can be only one solution! I’m leaving you, Herb! I’m going home to Mother and I’m taking Klondike with me!!
Herb: (sarcastically) Oh, you are just breaking my heart!
(He pulls Klondike off the big chair and sits down, turns towards the TV and plays with the remote control.)
(yells) You’re going back to Idaho!? Ha! I hope your father doesn’t mistake Klondike for one of his cows!
Millie: (shocked) Klondike doesn’t have to take these insults anymore! I didn’t realize that you were so heartless! Come with me, Klondike!
Herb: (calls) Hey, Klondike, I hope you get your tail caught in a barb wired fence! (to himself) Hmmph! Good riddance! (starts to read newspaper) I can always get another dog!
© Don Delaney, all rights reserved.