Summary: Two scientists heavily involved in the Viking I mission to Mars are interviewed on a TV science program. Their interchange rapidly becomes very unscientific.
Style: Humour. Duration: 5 minutes
Scripture: John 3:16
Don Burnoff (TV host)
Drs Irving Rubenstein and Conrad Schultz (two scientists)
Reporter: Good Evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Don Burnoff, your host on New Science Today. We've got an exciting show tonight. We're at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, where we're receiving photographs from the Viking I Spacecraft which has recently made a spectacular landing on Mars! We're speaking here with two eminent scientists who are members of this space project, Dr. Irving Rubenstein and Dr Conrad Schultz. Now tell me, Dr Schultz, nearly one billion dollars and nearly thirty lives have been expended to make this project a remarkable success. What important discoveries for mankind have you made in your inspection of these photographs from Mars?
Dr. Schultz: Cooperation's what did it, eh Irving?
Dr. Rubenstein: Love and trust, Conrad.
Dr. Schultz: We're really terribly excited about these photographs of Mars, Don. Here, take a look at them yourself.
Reporter: Hmm ... I can hardly see anything in these photos. They look overdeveloped or something.
Dr. Rubenstein: Boulders, Don ... beautiful Mars Rocks! And notice the terrain - very similar to that found right here on earth. Don, this is another giant step for mankind.
Dr. Schultz: Another amazing discovery we've made, Don, is this mysterious photograph of a rock bearing the letter J and the numbers 3 and 16. We've been speculating about this for some time!
Reporter: That's very interesting! What do you think about this, Dr. Rubenstein?
Dr. Rubenstein: Well, some people are great at imaging things, Don. Now, if you ask me, these so called letters are merely optical illusions caused by shadows.
Dr. Schultz: Well, I don't know about that, Irving. I can see the J pretty darn clear!
Dr. Rubenstein: Now, now, Conrad, why don't you just accept the scientific explanation for it?
Dr. Schultz: Look, Don, if I were a newsman, I'd wonder how a shadow could go all the way around like that!
Dr. Rubenstein: Well, maybe you should be a newsman and leave the scientific work to us.
Dr. Schultz: Now look, I've had about enough of your lip this week and I'm sick of it! Don't you tell me how to be a scientist!! I worked like a dog day and night to get that heap up in the air!
Dr. Rubenstein: I can see that, Conrad. You're foaming at the mouth, already!
Reporter: Gentlemen, please, you're on the air!
Dr. Schultz: You've never respected anything I said, have you, Irving? Well, when I tell America that I see a J, I see a J!
Dr. Rubenstein: Yeah? What are you going to "see" when the next one lands, Schultz? John loves Jane carved on an overpass, hmm?
Dr. Schultz: Next one? Hah! We've had so much trouble with this one, that for all I know it's sending pictures from the Arizona dessert!
Dr. Rubenstein: Now, you shut your mouth!
Reporter: Gentlemen, please! The eyes of America are watching you! Ladies and gentlemen, these great scientists have been working selflessly under enormous pressure for the benefit of all humanity. (The scientists grab each others’ coat and start to scuffle and push, looking wild-eyed.)You'll have to remain seated, Dr. Rubenstein ... ladies and gentlemen, we ask your kind indulgence ...
Dr. Rubenstein: You're an unscientific cretin, Schultz! Is the camera still on me? Well, get it off!
Dr. Schultz: Oh yeah? Well, what is science, eh Rube? Is science a billion dollar project to keep you and your cronies shacked up in expensive hotels?
Dr. Rubenstein: You're a liar, Schultz! A filthy liar!
Dr. Schultz: Why don't you tell them how you got your Ph.D, huh Rube?
Dr. Rubenstein: Shut up! Shut up!
Dr. Schultz: You're a fake, Rube, a fraud.
Dr. Rubenstein: That does it; that does it!
[The doctors fight.]
Reporter: (over the noise of the fight) Ladies and gentlemen, the views expressed on New Science Today are not necessarily the views of WHAT-TV, New Science Today, Don Burnoff, our parent network or our sponsor - NILK, the original oil-based milk like drink, the drink that's affordable, recyclable and good for you, too.
We hope that you will tune in next week when we'll be visiting with a man who says he found the missing link in evolution right in his own backyard! You’ll also meet two Aborigine midgets that have a new theory that the universe originated from a coconut. Bye for now and keep speculating!
[Music or appropriate song. The two doctors are dragged off]
© Don Delaney, all rights reserved.