Summary: This humorous sketch is set in a fictitious Department of Floods, Plagues and Pestilence who used to handle the big events for God – the flood for Noah, the ten plagues in Egypt, etc. There hasn’t been much work recently and now they are to be put out of business by the birth of Jesus. (By the way, if it’s not clear, a BOGOF is Buy One, Get One Free.)
Style: Light-hearted. Duration: 7min
(Buried deep in the bowels of headquarters is the Department of Floods, Plagues and Pestilence. The department is underused currently and is manned by 2 old and wizened operatives by the names of Eliab and Isaac. The sketch opens with Isaac sitting at a table cluttered with a number of dusty manuals and scrolls. Somewhere among it all is a phone which rings.)
(Isaac jerks and searches frantically for the phone.)
Isaac: Hello, hello! Don’t hang up! (drops voice to a professional tone). This is the Department of Floods, Plagues and Pestilence, Isaac speaking. Can I remind you of our BOGOF offer this century, every plague of locusts comes with a free plague of flies. Generous terms offered.
Uh huh, mm hum, yes, yes……..
No (deflated) we do not deliver pizzas. Goodbye sir.
(Eliab enters and walks glumly over towards Isaac.)
Eliab: I don’t believe it, I was that close.
Isaac: Me too, just had a phone call, first one in 20 years. Things are looking up. Ah, do you remember the good old days, that big flood we did, fantastic job, and that package of ten plagues that we delivered for pharaoh!! Highlight of my career, highlight of my career.
Eliab: Ah yes, the first of the multipacks. But enough of that, I’ve just been talking to the boss!
Isaac: Is it a job, finally, finally, and I thought he’d forgotten about us? (Picks up a large volume and blows the dust off it)
Eliab: He said it was time to sort the world out once and for all!
Isaac: OOOH yes, OOOOH yes. I have just the thing – remember the fire and brimstone we did for Sodom and Gomorrah, mmm lovely, maybe soften them up first with a plague of boils…
Eliab: (shakes head) No, no fire and brimstone, no boils….
Isaac: A famine, used to do great famines, seven years long…
Eliab: No famines. He says we need to move with the times.
Isaac: A flood, a flood, (sings) God said to Noah, there’s gonna be a floody floody, God said to Noah, there’s gonna be a floody floody (tails off) No floody floody??
Eliab: No floody floody. He says we’re too Old Testament. Time for a new beginning.
Isaac: Didn’t you tell him about the BOGOF?
Eliab: HE DOESN’T NEED A BOGOF!
Isaac: (sinks back into the chair, fingers his big manuals) But I’ve collected so many plagues over the years, many I have tried out myself. So what’s the plan?
Eliab: Says he wants to start a New Testament.
Isaac: (mutters) Nothing wrong with the old stuff, served us well for millennia. So what’s the plan?
Eliab: Says he’s going to sort this out once and for all, the only way possible.
Isaac: But plagues are sooo much fun! I’ve devoted my life to this.
Eliab: Isaac, let it go, you’ve got to move with the times!
Isaac: I can move, I can move but some one needs to tell me what direction to take.
Eliab: He’s sending his son…
Isaac: Now you’re talking, chariots of fire in the sky, armies of angels …
Eliab: NO! You don’t understand, no chariots, no armies no nothing. (pause) He’s going as a human, born a baby.
Isaac: Well can we at least clear out the palace with a bit of brimstone?
Eliab: No palace! He will be born in Bethlehem. It’s all arranged.
Isaac: Bethlehem, one of Jesse’s branch, I suppose.
Eliab: You got it! But that’s not all. (whispers in his ear)
Isaac: CRUCIFIED BY THE ROMANS! That can’t be, we could stop that. We have the technology (pats his dusty manual)
Eliab: For goodness sake, wake up and smell the incense. This is the way it’s got to be. It’s the ONLY way. Put the manuals away, we won’t be needing them.
Eliab: Forever. We’re out of a job. Turn the lights out, there’s a good fellow.
Isaac: (putting on hat and coat) But what am I going to do, this is all I know.
Eliab: Apparently there’s vacancies in the choir, do you sing?
Isaac: (sings badly) Glo –o –o –oria…
Eliab: We’ll work on it. You’ll be fine.