Summary: This skit is set at a cooking competition where different characters whip up their version of Christmas. The audience can compare for themselves the emptiness of Christmas without the vital ingredients. (Note: This script contains quite a bit of Australian slang. If you need a translation, to fit the script to your own circumstances, don't hesitate to contact the author.)
Style: Light-hearted. Duration: 12min
Actors: 1M, 3F, 1M/F
Florrie Picklenose: wearing curlers held by a scarf, an apron with rags, cleaners and pegs hanging from the pockets, glasses and fluffy slippers.
Jade Lofty: a yuppie's yuppie, wearing too much make-up, stylish clothes and hair style, sun glasses and has a superior manner.
Trevor Yob: wearing a dark blue singlet (bulging at the belly), towelling sun hat, black stubby shorts, thongs and sporting some white Zinc cream on his nose.
Christal Clear: dressed reasonably stylishly, but not overdone like the others.
MC insipid looking man with greased hair parted in the middle and glasses.
PROPS: Table, assorted boxes (wrapped in appropriate Christmas wrapping for each character), mixing bowl and wooden spoon for each contestant, appropriately decorated box (shoe box size) for the final product, lipstick and mirror for Jade, gooey brown sludge and scone for Florrie, small esky with sunglasses, asprin etc for Trevor, jewellery box, torch, jewellery for Christal.
SETTING: The scene takes place at the final of a cooking competition. There is one large table on the stage, with four areas set out for the four contestants. The contestants are off stage.
MC: I'd like to welcome you all to this afternoon’s event. So far it's been a tough competition with only points between our four finalists. For the final of this competition our contestants will be whipping up some Christmas Delight. Now, let me introduce our four finalists. Firstly, from South Yarra we have JADE LOFTY.
(Jade Lofty enters. She approaches the MC, lifts her sunglasses to look MC up and down, then replaces them. She touches the fabric of MC's shirt and says with disdain ...)
(Jade then walks to her position behind the table. She pulls a small mirror and lipstick from her pocket and proceeds to do her lips and rearrange her hair while the other two contestants are introduced.)
MC: Our next contestant comes from Yarrawonga, and has represented the Country Women's Association in scone baking for the past twenty years, put your hands together for FLORRIE PICKLENOSE.
(Florrie bustles up to the MC. She feels his arms.)
FP: Why you're all skin and bone, love.
(She shakes her head and pulls a scone from her pocket.)
FP: Here, have this dear. I made it myself!
(MC looks around awkwardly, trying to find somewhere to put the scone. In the end he shrugs his shoulders and places it into his pocket. FP takes up her position. While the next contestant is introduced she spends her time dusting and cleaning. Jade looks her up and down with contempt.)
MC: Next, let me introduce you to our only male finalist, from Fitzroy, please welcome TREVOR YOB.
(Trevor strides over to MC and slaps him heartily on the back.)
TY: How ya goin', mate?
(MC is almost knocked over and has to clutch his glasses. He takes a few moments to regain his composure. TY takes his position with the other contestants, greeting them with a hardy "g'day".)
MC: Our fourth finalist comes from Ballarat. Please make welcome CHRISTAL CLEAR.
(Christal walks confidently to MC and shakes his hand. She then politely waves to the audience before taking her position.)
MC: And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. Contestant number one will demonstrate her version of Christmas Delight.
(Jade Lofty checks the various containers and places them neatly onto the table top where she is working. All the labels are facing away from the audience. As each box is used, it is turned so the audience can read the labels.)
JL: To make my version of Christmas Delight, which incidentally is very popular among residents of Toorak this year, you begin with a large quantity of tinsel and glitter. I prefer the silver and gold myself, though you may prefer the coloured variety. (Pours from box labelled "tinsel and glitter") Add to this a generous amount of expensive decorations and flashy Christmas ornaments. (Pours from box labelled "flashy ornaments and expensive decorations"). Now, we mustn't forget the extravagant gifts. (Pours from box labelled "extravagant gifts") Televisions, mobile phones, computers, that sort of thing. It is always good to give gifts that are more extravagant than the ones you receive. This adds a delightful touch of smugness to the festive season. Next we add a sprinkling of parties. (Pours from box labelled "parties") These are the insincere, superficial kind where care is taken to invite useful people. You know, the people who can help you make it to the top.
Next add a dash of artificial goodwill. (Pours from box labelled "artificial goodwill") This mixture includes, insincere greetings and small gifts to cleaning ladies, secretaries, postmen, mothers in law - annoying, unimportant people that we all need from time to time.
Now all that's left is to serve and enjoy.
MC: Thank you Jade. That does look irresistible. While Jade is preparing her dish for the final presentation we will now hand over to Florrie for her version of Christmas Delight.
FP: Thank you, lovie. Now I prefer the more traditional version of Christmas Delight. To begin with you need a good lump of lard. (Takes box labelled "lard" and pours into mixing bowl) Add a nice old fashioned Christmas cake (pours from box marked "Christmas cake - crumbed"). Stir in some home-made Christmas gifts (pours from box marked "home made Christmas gifts"). Knitted nylon toilet roll holders are a real favourite, especially the purple ones. Next we need a good helping of Christmas cheer (pours from box marked "Christmas cheer"). I mean the nice sentimental kind of cheer, like being nice to the grotty, snivelling family next door and asking Aunt Mabel to Christmas dinner even though you know she stole your best sponge recipe twenty-three years ago. Now, throw in a big helping of Santa Claus and Christmas Specials on the TV. The more the specials have aged, the better (pours from box marked "Santa and TV Specials")
You'll have to take care when mixing, it can get quite thick after a while. Now, turn it out and serve lukewarm.
MC: Thank you Florrie. I can't wait to see the finished product. Now, let's see what Trevor can do.
TY: Thanks mate. For my version o' Christmas Delight, you'll need a good helpin' o' backyard barbies with the mates, (pours from box marked "BBQs"). Don't forget to throw in a few beers (pours from box marked "Beer"). These barbies are especially good if they get louder as it gets later. You get a good laugh out of the neighbour's complaints. It's all part o' the fun.
Next ya gunna need a couple o' good sporting events with the mates, like a test cricket match (pours from box marked "sporting events") Don't forget to throw in a few beers (pours from box marked "Beer"). Then it's always good to bung in a nice outing for the wife and kids - like a couple of one day’ers, fishin' trip or car rally (pours from box marked "family outing"). Don't forget to throw in a few beers (pours from box marked "Beer"). And last of all, we finish off with a few beers for extra flavour (pours from box marked "Beer").
It's best served in tin mugs.
MC: Thank you, Trevor. That looks very tantalising. Now, let's see if Christal can do any better than our first three contestants.
CC: There's no need for too much fuss. If you want some real Christmas Delight, there are only a couple of ingredients needed to make something substantial. Now, if you have real love for God (pours from pack marked "love for God") and an appreciation that Jesus came to die for us. (picks up box marked "appreciation that Jesus died").
MC: (Looking worried and embarrassed) I'm sorry Christal, but this is the Christmas recipe, not Easter.
CC: (Continues to pour from box and mix) Yes, I realise that. But it's only when you realise why He came that you appreciate how wonderful it is. He came to die in our place. To take the punishment that was rightfully ours. We have peace with God and forgiveness for our sins, because Jesus died for us.
MC: (Still uncertain) Well, alright. You may finish your Christmas Delight.
CC: That's it. All you need are these two ingredients (holds two boxes).
(Florrie, Jade and Trevor scoff and laugh to themselves, knowing that she has no chance of winning the competition.)
MC: And now for the presentation of the finished Christmas Delight from our contestants.
(Jade picks up the box to show off her finished product. She tilts the box forward to show its contents to the audience.)
MC: (Confused) It's empty!
JL: Of course!
MC: Florrie ...
(Florrie tilts her box forward.)
MC: Well, Florrie, you've made a sweet, gooey sludge.
(Florrie smiles proudly, then sticks her finger into the goo and licks it.)
MC: Trevor ...
(Trevor proudly tilts his esky shaped box forward.)
MC: You have an assortment of cures for a large headache and upset stomach, Trevor.
TY: Yeah, but it's worth it, mate! I think. Can't always remember what happened afterwards.
MC: Christal ...
(Christal takes what looks like a miniature treasure chest and opens it. Inside are shimmering jewellery and stones. (Perhaps a torch could be taped inside a jewellery box to make the articles inside shine) The other three contestants and the MC are overawed and stare in wonder for a few seconds before anyone speaks.)
MC: It looks very valuable. There are many precious things in here. What is it?
CC: Joy. It's joy.
(MC stares for a few more moments before remembering where he is and what he is doing.)
MC: Well, there you have it. Now it's up to you to judge for yourself. Which kind of Christmas Delight you will choose this Christmas?
© Copyright Lyn Morgan, all rights reserved. The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.