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Sub-title: Wise Persons, Pirates and Camels from the East

Summary: Part Two of a five-part Advent series of plays, tracing the journey of the Wise Men.
Style: Light-hearted. (Monty Python-esque)   Duration:  7min
Actors: 5M, 4F

Lettered Wise Men: Wise Man A, Wise Man B
Wise Pirate Women: WPW1, WPW2, WPW3, WPW4
Really Wise Men: Balthazar, Caspar, Melchior


(Setting:  On the road to Jerusalem, trying to find the King of the Jews who has been prophesied.)

[Lights down, spots on stage. ]

[B, C, and M are crossing stage from right towards centre stage. They’re riding ‘camels’ (also known as ‘Cardboard Cut-outs On-Stick’) and looking at a map, muttering amongst themselves.  They reach centre stage where a sign-post points towards the Audience. At this point Wise Men A and B proceed from backstage on Stage Left and start walking towards the centre, muttering, checking a pocket-watch and glancing occasionally at the sky.]

Balthazar: [Reading sign, hasn’t spotted WMA & WMB yet] “‘This way lies Jerusalem.’ Oh good, about time we-”

Wise Man A: [Reaching the sign, has spotted B, C, and M] “Oh, hallo you old fellows! Lovely day, aint it?”

Balthazar: [Startled and obviously not feeling very communicative] “Oh! Hello. Yes yes, lovely day.”
[C and M start consulting their map again, muttering something about reliable historical sources etc]

Wise Man B: “So ah, you lot heading towards Jerusalem then?”

Balthazar: “Yes yes, in quite a hurry actually,” [pauses and stretches to full-height, obviously very pleased with himself,] “We’re Wise Men, you see.”

[Wise Men A and B look quite startled]
Wise Man A: “What! No, you’re not!”

[B, C, and M  are all shocked]
Caspar: “What do you mean … We’re-”

Wise Man B: “You can’t be!”

Melchior: “Why not?”

Wise Men A and B: “We’re the Wise Men.”

[B C and M all splutter and look angry]
Wise Man A: “We’re from the East, you know, off to find the King of the Jews.”

Melchior: “Good grief! You can’t do that! That’s what we’re doing!”

Wise Man A: [Surprised] “What, you’re from the East and everything as well?” [Aside to Wise Man B] “Bet we’re from further east.”

Balthazar: “Now just hang on. You lot can’t be THE wise men; there are only two of you!”

Wise Man B: “Who says there are supposed to be three?”

Caspar: “Oh come on! Everyone knows that.”

Wise Man B: “I never read that anywhere. I think you’re just making that up!”

Melchior: “Well, at least we’ve got camels!”

Wise Man A: “That’s not a camel! That’s a Cardboard Cut-out On-Stick!”

Caspar: “No it isn’t!”

Wise Man A: “Yes it is!”

Caspar: “No it isn’t!”

Wise Man A: “Yes it is!”

Caspar: “Look! look, his name is Percy. These are a very rare breed of camel - he’s just feeling a bit flat today.”

Wise Man A: “A bit flat!? He’s 2-D!”

Melchior: “Oh look!  Now you’ve gone and offended him.”

[All Wise Men pause as the right backstage door crashes open. Wise Pirate Women 1-4 walk slowly in and up to the sign-post. They give the assembled men a cursory glance. All pause.]

Wise Pirate Woman 1: [Suddenly draws sword] “AVAST me hearties!”

[All Wise Men jump and back away]

WPW1: “We be seeking the King of the Jews. Would ye laddies be able to point us in the direction of Old Jerusalem-town?”

Balthazar: “Good grief, don’t tell me you’re wise men, too!”

[Long pause while the WPW look at Balthazar as though he’s got a screw loose.]

WPW1: [Yelling and waving sword] “Do we look like wise men to you?”

[Wise Men start to look relieved but WPW2 bursts their bubble.]

WPW2: “We’re Wise Women!”

WPW3: “Wise Pirate Women.”

Melchior: “...Oh, that is so not allowed.”

WPW1: “Why not?!”

Simultaneously:     Wise Man B: “Because you’re Pirates!”
                 Balthazar:     “Because you’re women!”

[it’s acceptable for the Wise Pirate Women to now begin abandoning their fake West Country accents]

WPW3: “Nothing says we’re not allowed to be pirates!”

Wise Man A: “You’re from Cornwall! That’s not East!”

WPW1: “Well it is if you go around far enough.”

WPW2: “And as for the women part....”
[Wise Pirate Women 1, 2 & 3 look at Wise Pirate Woman 4]

WPW4: [Looks up and throws fist in the air]

WPW2: “...Never know, the bit about coming from the East could have been a mis-quote.”

WPW3: “And anyway, what are you shabby lot going to do when you get there? We come bearing gifts for the King.”

WPW2: “You’d be surprised what you can find on sinking Roman Galleys these days.”

 [WPW 2, 3 & 4 show-off their Frankincense, Gold and Myrrh.]

Balthazar: “Oh, well, we were ah...”

Wise Man A: “Just going to um...”

Wise Man B: “...Going to have a look at him?”

WPW1: [Sniffs] “Well, fat lot of good you lot are. We’re off!”

[Wise Pirate Women start heading briskly down the stage steps towards the back of the church]

Wise Men A & B: “Not without us you aren’t!”

 [They follow, waving their arms]

[Wise Men 1-3 are stunned for a shot while then:]

B, C, and M: “Wait for us!”

[all WM run after]

The End. (for now)