Summary: Four people (a young person, mother, businessman and Christian) receive phone calls, but find it hard to believe God is on the other end.
Style: Dramatic. Duration: 7min
Actors: 1F, 3M/F, 1VO
(The four people are located on three different stage areas. The play opens in the dark and three different phones ring: A mobile phone with a distinctive ring tone; A household phone; An office intercom buzz; A mobile with a Christianish ring tone.)
(Lights up on young person, who answers mobile phone.)
Young person: Yeah? (Pause) Who? (Pause) Martin, quit kidding around. You're not Martin? Pause Then who are you? (Pause) God? Yeah, right. (Closes mobile and turns it off.) That will teach him to ring me - it's off now. That will stop him playing about.
(Mobile rings again. Young person stares at it for a moment then answers it.)
Young person: How did you do that? My phone is off. (Longer pause) Yeah, okay - if you did create the universe, I guess that wouldn't be a problem for you. If you're really God, why are you calling me? (Pause) What do you mean I called you? (Pause) You know about that? You're not going to tell anyone are you? (Pause) Well, I was in a bind, you know? I didn't really think you would take me seriously! (Pause) But seriously, thanks for helping me out of that situation. I was really scared! (Pause) What!!!! ! ! .... You want what from me, God?
(Lights out. A household phone is heard. Lights come up on Harried Mum just picking up the phone.)
Mother: (Picks up, but before talking, covers the mouthpiece to yell at her two kids.) Justin, leave your sister alone! Mary, give that back to your brother! (Removes hand from mouthpiece) Hello? Just a sec ... (Covers the mouthpiece again to talk to kids.) I'm on the phone. Go play in the living room ... and NO fighting! (Removes hand from mouthpiece again) Hello. Sorry about that. Who is it? (Pause) Excuse me. (Yells at kids, not bothering to cover the mouthpiece) Don't make me come in there, you two! (Talking back in mouthpiece) Now who did you say it was? I thought you said, "God"! (Laughs a little.) (Pause) You did say, "God"? , I. .. don't ... think God uses BT to communicate! (Goes to hang up then listens again.) What? I'm really too busy to listen to you. (Pause) What do you mean that's why you had to use the telephone? (Yells at kids again.) Justin, what fell over in there? (To God) If you're really God, I could sure use some peace. How did you know that? (Pause) Right! You're God! Tell me .... how do I find peace?
(Lights out. A business intercom buzzes. Lights up on Businessman just picking up the phone.)
Businessman: Johnson, here. How can I help you? (Pause) You can help me? I didn't catch your name ... (Pause) God? GOD?? (Pause) Ohh-kay. That's the last thing I need some nutter claiming to be God. (Hangs up phone then pushes intercom button, still speaking into the handset.) Susan, you've got to do a better job of screening my calls. Some crackpot just called claiming to be God! (Pause) What do you mean there haven't been any calls? (Pause) Okay, okay! I'm not questioning you, but how? (Hangs up, shaking his head.) It's been one of those days again.
(Phone rings again. Businessman answers.)
Businessman: Johnson. How may I help ... ? (Pause) Oh, it's you again! How do you keep getting past my secretary? (Pause) Well, if you're God, tell me what I'm working on right now. (Pause) The Randleman contract? Yes you're right ... but ... you couldn't know that. .. (Pause) What are you saying, that's not all you know about it? (Pause) I haven't even done that yet! I was only thinking about doing it! (Pause) Well, yeah, I know it's not strictly by the book, but it will save me thousands. I don't have any other choice, if want to keep my business from folding! (Pause) I do? Just trust you? And how are you going to save my business. (Pause) I've got to do what!! !!! Well I'll see about that later.
(Christian's Mobile rings.)
Christian: Hello. (Pause) Is that you Alex, now don't mess around. (Pause)
You don't speak to us like this God. (Pause) We do listen... Yes, well I know there are prophecies in church, of course I listen. (Pause) Well, I do think I live my life right. (Pause) What do you mean? That can't be the reason the church isn't growing... (pause) can it? I know you're God but... Well I know but... (pause) Well I thought... (pause) It was my opinion... (long pause) But God, those people try to take over and do... (pause) But we don't want that kind of person in our group. (Pause) I didn't say I'd got a problem with him/her. We as a group agreed, so it got to be right. (Pause) Why? Because were in leadership and we hear from God. (Long pause.)
What do you mean you've made four calls today? (Pause) Yes, I'll listen.
Young person: Yes?
God: Hello, have you made you decision yet?
Young person: I've been thinking about it.
God: And what have you decided?
Young person: I've been thinking hard, and I'll do that. I called out to you and you helped me. I haven't got any choice, thank you God.
Mother: Yes? (puts hand over the mouth piece) Justin, put that down now. Mary don't hit your brother.
God: Hello again.
Mother: I'm sorry, I'm very busy and I haven't really got time.
God: Time is short, though.
Mother: Yes i know all this, but so is my temper. Justin!!!!
God: Hello, have you thought?
Businessman: I have, but....
God: Do you remember what I said?
Businessman: Yes, but I wasn't going to actually lie, I was just not going to reveal everything.
God: Is there a difference?
Businessman: Lots of people put in for grants and loans without revealing everything. It's not lying, you just don't mention everything.
God: Do you expect to prosper doing this? Do you expect my blessing?
Businessman: I can have your blessing?
God: Of course. Just be open and honest and I will bless you.
Businessman: I'll think about it... (pause) No, I'll do it.
God: My blessing will be on you.
God: Do you remember our last conversation?
Christian: Yes, I do.
God: And have you listened?
Christian: Yes, but...
God: But what?
Christian: They're not Christians.
God: And your point is?
Christian: We've been saved and ...
God: Yes, and?
Christian: Well, we do your will.
God: Do you. Do you remember our last conversation?
Christian: Of course I do.
God: There were a few areas we differed, weren't there.
Christian: Yes, but....
God: Remember, time is short.
If you do use please let me know how the sketch went.