Style: Lighthearted. Duration: 6min
(At front of stage is set up a bench with various cooking ingredients and utensils)
Jacob: Hello and welcome to how to cook meals and influence people. I’m your host, Jacob! Today I’m going to teach you all to make a meal that will not only excite your taste buds—it will send people into such a blind frenzy that you can manipulate them to your own hidden agenda. (evil plan to take over the world cackle) —excuse me..(settles himself) right then—
Firstly you want a nice steak like this (hold up) Now you want it to be nice and juicy and you want to chop it into nice exact little pieces (Goes into slightly frenzied attack on meat with a cleaver) Just like that. Then you want to add some water...and some onion...and some chili sauce—now not too much because this stuff is hot.
(Empties very large container of chili into the mix—would be good if it could kind of pour out slowly so he could keep doing it \for ages and ages, then briefly stops only to start again—plus any other slapstick thing that will make it funny and grab people’s attention.)
There we go. Now all we have to do is cook it for approximately 17.32 hours and voila! You have your very own mind bending red stew! However, due to time constraints, here is one I prepared earlier (gets out bowl of reddish stuff that looks like it might be stew). Now to show you the effects of my ingenious cooking...look here comes my brother—we’ll try it on him
Esau: (comes prancing out on stage wearing tights and a bow and arrow, and considerably hairy) It is I Esau. Master of hunting. Stunner in tights. And with enough hair to craft a small Persian rug. What is this I smell? (gets drawn over to table like a moth to a flame)
Jacob: What can I do for you, brother? (Aside) As if I don’t know.
Esau: Is that...stew I smell?
Jacob: Why yes, it is.
Esau: (suddenly changes from overly done manliness to whiney little kid) Oh please can, I have some, please, please, oh can I pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaasssssseeeeee?
Jacob: What’s in it for me?
Esau: The privilege of knowing you are an extremely loving and giving brother?
Jacob: Ah...think again.
Esau: Ahhhh..I know—you can have my birthright?
Jacob: Excuse me, I don’t think I heard you right, did you say birthright?
Esau: Yes…. Umm… even though as the eldest son, I’m supposed to inherit Dad’s stuff, you can have it all.Jacob: Are you sure? I mean I wouldn’t want to push you into anything you don’t want to do.
Esau: Yes, yes—I don’t care—just give me some food, I’m starving!!!
Jacob: Well then, here you go, dearest brother. (hands stew to brother who starts consuming it ravenously) (Aside to audience) - See? Now my father’s inheritance is mine, mine, all mine! (Evil plan to take over the word cackle again.) Come brother, I want to talk to you about something new.
Esau: What would that be.
Jacob: Waxing—it’s the latest hair removal technology (Walks Esau off stage as he’s saying it)
Esau: What are you saying, Jacob?
Jacob: Nothing Esau, nothing at all….
© Caroline Campen, all rights reserved. The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.