(or, ‘Yes Sir, that’s my baby!’)
Summary; This sketch was performed as part of a family service, to illustrate selfishness. I enjoyed myself thinking up the insults the two women heap upon each other. ‘You cross-eyed camel’! ‘There’s just two things I hate about you – your face’ etc, etc. I’m sure you’ll have fun thinking of some more! Keywords: Selfishness.
Style: Drama Duration: 8min
Actors: 2F, 1M, 1M/F
(Enter Esther and Sapphira, carrying their babies.)
Sapphira: That walk did them good, I think he has finally gone to sleep!
Esther: Thank goodness for that! He kept me awake all last night, crying, and all you did is snore!
Sapphira: Excuse me, but it wasn’t Jeremiah crying all night, it was your Job!
Esther: I’d know Job’s cry anywhere! Our babies might look like twins, but their cries are totally different.
Sapphira: Well, we’re home now, we’d best get to bed and hope for a good night’s sleep! (they get into bed, with their babies).
Esther: Dere, dere, Job, ‘oo’s’ going to be a good ickle boy for Mumsy Wumsy.
Sapphira: O for goodness sake! Move over, you big fat lump.
Esther: Who are you calling fat?
Sapphira: This bed was plenty big enough for me and Samuel, before he went off to fight the Amorites, the Hittites, the Hivites, the Gergashites, the Perizzites, the...
Esther: O shut up and go to sleep!
Sapphira: Well, hark at you! If it wasn’t for me and my kindness you wouldn’t even have a roof over your head, never mind a bed to sleep in!
Esther: Oh, all right, all right! (the passage of time is indicated by a loudly ticking clock. Alarm goes off. Sapphira switches it off).
Sapphira: Oh, what an awful night! This lumpy bed, tossing and turning all night, I was! At least the babys slepped through. Who’s a good little boy then? (she discovers the boy is dead, and shakes him Vigorously) No! Oh no! He can’t be! Jeremiah! Oh, what am I going to do? (now petulant) It’s not fair! Esther has all the luck! Her baby is alive and mine is dead! She’s prettier than me, I hate her! (she slyly exchanges the babies, and starts to play with Job. Esther awakes and screams when she sees the dead Jeremiah).
Sapphira: (pretending to wake) What’s the matter dear?
Esther: My baby’s dead my beautiful little baby!
Sapphira: Oh, what a shame!
Esther: Just a minute, this isn’t Job this is Jeremiah! (They proceed to argue) There’s only one way to settle this! We’ll go to the palace and see what King Solomon has to say. He’s the wisest King the world has ever known. (They set off down the aisle, insulting each other and reach the back of the church, turn around and come back to Solomon’s palace. They knock, and are admitted by a servant).
Sapphira: We want to see king Solomon! Now!
Esther: It’s a matter of life... and death. (They are permitted to approach the king. They kneel).
Solomon: You may rise. What is it you want?
Esther: My lord, this woman and I live in the same house....
Sapphira: I took her in!
Esther: Our husbands have both gone to war....
Sapphira:......to fight the Amorites, the Hittites, the Hivites, the Girgashites, the Perizzites and Jebu....
Solomon: Yes, yes, all right
Esther: But my husband never came back...
Sapphira: ....so I took her in!
Esther: I had a baby a few weeks ago, and three days after my little boy was born, this woman had a baby boy as well. Last night, this woman overlaid her child...
Sapphira: I did not!
Esther: ...and it died, so she got up early this morning, and took my son from me, while I was asleep, and put her dead baby by her side. Now she insists that my son is hers!
Sapphira: This is a load of rubbish! It is her son that’s dead, and she’s making all this up, so that she can keep my child!
Esther: No, he’s mine, I tell you!
Solomon: Enough! You say this is your son, and hers is dead, and you say this is your son, and hers is dead. So... (snaps his fingers) Bring me a sword! (The servant brings a sword, on a velvet cushion) Cut the living child in two, and give half to one, and half to the other! (He makes as if to leave, but Esther clutches at his robes)
Esther: Please, my Lord, give her the living baby, do not kill him!
Sapphira: (hands on hips) Neither I nor you shall have him, cut him in two!
Solomon: Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him, she is his mother! (exit)
(Exit Sapphira, with a final look of hatred towards Esther. Esther just cuddles her baby)
© Copyright Sue Walton, all rights reserved. The script may not be
reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.