Matt Ė chocolate addict
Gary Ė Chocoholics Anonymous friend
Matt: Where in the world is my paperwork? (He looks frantically
for his paperwork)
Where could I have put it? Ah, here it is. Letís see. (Reading aloud) Things to do when the cravings are the worst. #1. Keep Busy. Ok. I can do that. I know, Iíll organize the old newspapers by day. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. There. That kept me busy for a full 30 seconds! Whatís #2 on that list? Chew some gum. Gum, yeah thatíll help. (Tears open a piece of gum and sticks it in his mouth and chews hard) Maybe I need another piece. (Sticks another piece in his mouth) Itís not helping! Oh my gosh, this is the worst craving Iíve ever had. But I can do this; I know I can. (Throws out gum)
Whatís #3 on the list? Use some form of distraction. Distraction! Thatís where Iím at right now! (Reads again) Do something that requires thought and takes your mind off of the craving. The crossword puzzle. Thatís it! Iíll do the crossword puzzle. (Pulls the paper apart to get to the crossword puzzle.) Letís see I need a 6-letter word that means strong want. Desire, thatís it. Desire, desireÖ yes I know what desire means! (Talks to himself) No wait just keep going. Do another word. A 5-letter word for intense wish. Letís see, what could that be? Oh, yeah, covet! To covet means to wish intensely for something. (Talking to the newspaper) Of course it does. Do you think I donít know that? Of course I know that! Canít you see what Iím going through here? Are you blind? (Throws the paper down.) What am I doing? Iím talking to a newspaper. Obviously none of this is working. I know. Iíll call Gary. (Punches in the number.)
Matt: (On the phone) Hello, Gary. Yeah, itís Matt. No man, Iím in a bad way. Itís never been this bad before. Iíve tried everything I can think of and nothing is helping. Youíve gotta help me, Man. Yeah, come right over, will you? Ok. (Hangs up phone and begins to pace again tearing at his hair.) Just wait. Gary will be here any minute. Donít look in that cabinet. Whatever you do, donít look in that cabinet!
Matt: Come in, come in. Thank God youíre here, Gary. Iíve never had it this bad before. I thought this was supposed to get easier, Gary. Why is this happening to me?
Gary: Now calm down, Matt. Take some deep breaths.
(Matt begins to inhale/exhale deeply.
Gary: Is that helping?
Matt: NO, NO it is definitely NOT helping!
Gary: Fine. Stop. Did you do any exercise?
Gary: Ok. Jumping jacks, right now.
( Matt begins to do jumping jacks. After 2 or 3 he begins to speak as he is doing them.)
Matt: Itís not working, man. Itís not working.
Gary: Ok. Stop. Did you eat anything?
Gary: Here. I always carry my own personal supply of baby carrots. Eat some.
(Matt begins to stuff his mouth with baby carrots.)
Gary: Is that helping? (Matt canít answer because his mouth is too full but he shakes his head yes.) Good. Now, whereís your stash? (Matt looks innocent and signals that he has no stash.) I know you have a stash, man. Iím not leaving until you hand it over. (Matt sheepishly opens the cabinet and pulls out candy bars.) Let me see if that cabinet is empty. (It is.) Good. Where else?
Matt: Thatís all I have. (Matt can speak this line if his mouth is empty or just motion.)
Gary: I know you have more. Hand them over.
Matt: All right. (He pulls out candy from at least 3 more places. Pick the funniest places you can find on the set.)
Gary: Is that all?
Matt: Youíve got it all and thanks, Gary. The craving is finally passing.
Gary: Hey, thatís why Iím here. Are you going to be ok now?
Matt: Yeah, Iím fine now. Thanks, man.
Gary: Donít mention it. This is what Chocoholics Anonymous is all about. Call me if you need me.
Matt: You know I will. I just did. See ya, Gary, and thanks again.
(Gary exits. Matt pulls out a huge bag of M&Ms from beneath a basket of apples and grins at the audience.)
Copyright John & Joanne Miller, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed free of charge, provided no charge is made for entrance or for programmes. In return, the authors would like to be notified of any performance. For further information regarding performance rights, they may be contacted at: firstname.lastname@example.org.