Proverbs 31 woman!
By Gwyneth Bedford
When two mates meet in a pub for a sociable drink, one extolls the virtues
of his wife. Obvious references to a well-known New Zealand TV commercial.
An American version of this script is also available.
Ada, Fred's wife
(Scene: Two blokes propping up a bar, glass of beer in hand, very rural,
dog at their feet (stuffed!) Gum boots and hats. Backdrop of south Island
– Cardrona pub - gentle background noise of pub chat.)
Bert: (Like they’re in mid conversation as we join them)
I’m telling you Mate, she’s an absolute gem, my Ruby. Never been
a woman like her.
Fred: That’s the beer talking Bert.
Bert: Nah Mate, I’m telling you she’s the best I have full
confidence in her, there’s nothing she can’t handle. Best day’s work I
ever did was marry that woman.
Fred: She must be to put up with you Bert.
Bert: My life’s never been so sweet since I married that gal.
She’s up at the crack and out and about before I’ve rolled out of bed.
Cooking or making things.
Fred: Bet she spends all your money though.
Bert: No, she’s a shrewd one, Fred. I gave her her own
bank account and allowance and Mate!, she went and bought some land, planted
it up with vines. She worked like a dog (No offence Shep) (TO DOG
ON THE FLOOR!), and believe it or not it’s now a going concern. She’s turning
a profit already.
Fred: I expect that means you’re living off take-aways ?
Bert: Nope! Hot meal, every evening, without fail. Always inviting
in waifs and strays too. Got a heart of pure gold that woman.
Life and soul of any party. Always leaves me with a warm glow.
Fred: That’ll be the homebrew! Won’t it Bert?
Bert: (Laughs). Tell you the truth Fred, I don’t know what I’d
do without her, I depend on her.You know sometimes I worry about the days
ahead but she just laughs and has this confidence about things, she always
makes me feel better.
Fred: (shivers) Bit cold in here Arthur (Barman), put another log on
the fire will yer? You cold Bert?
Bert: No, my Ruby’s made me this scarlet waistcoat, beautifully
warm it is. She made one for the kids as well. We all match! The Scarlet
Squad they call us.
Fred: She’s a good ‘un alright. She good with the little ‘uns?
Bert: They all adore her of course, bless her.
Fred: You still on the local council, Bert?
Bert: Yes, Mate, I am and at the last council meeting the chairman
actually asked me what Ruby thought of the new bypass proposal! I think
he’s got a soft spot for her, she must have made him some of her famous
muffins. It’s not done me any harm. Behind every good man …
Ah, I wouldn’t swap her for all the sheep in Southland. Still mustn’t
go on about her, boasting. How’s your Ada?
(OLD HAG APPEARS AT SIDE OF STAGE, ROUGH AS..)
Ada: Fred, come and get yer supper. It’s liver again and it’ll
go hard if you let it go cold and I’m not heating it up again.
Fred: Yes dear. Your Ruby shure sounds like a wonderful
Bert: Yes Mate, (pause) but there is one thing …..
Fred: What is it, mate?
Bert: She doesn’t drink Speights, mate.
Fred: (amazed) Doesn’t drink Speights! (big pause) Sure is a hard road
to find the perfect woman.
Copyright June 2001 Gwyneth Bedford, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed without payment, provided no charge is made
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performance. She may be contacted at: email@example.com