How to Feed a Party of 5000

By Susan Cowsar


A TV chef is flummoxed when he discovers the ingredients he had been expecting for today's show are missing.



(Fade in Music - TV sitcom/chef show format)

(Person with TV shaped sign walks across stage: This Chef Really Cooks! Chef has on chef hat and full body apron, ideally with 'This Chef Really Cooks' written across the top part. Chef is standing behind a table cluttered with pots, pans, whisks, knives, spoons, bowls, and other cooking paraphenalia.)

Chef: Welcome, friends to today's show. I'm always so pleased to have you visit my kitchen, and I think you'll be able to take something very valuable away with you after the show today, because, after all ... This Chef Really Cooks!

Audience: (Applause) (person with applause sign walks across front of stage)

Chef: (Big grin; all full of himself) All week we've been cooking wonderful dishes for family and intimate dinner parties, but today I'm very

proud to show you one of the best kept secrets in a chef's kitchen. We're talking MAJOR party time, folks. Like, oh, say, five THOUSAND of your closest friends. Yes, today, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be serving a bona fide FEAST. Oooh, and what a delectible feast it is, too! (Looks off starry eyed, drooling almost). (Very animated): First we'll start with (list of very fine culinary goodies -- compile your own list). (Chef straightens himself, brushing his apron, straightening his hat) So, without futher ado . . . uh, Ronaldo, where is the (specific name of food)?

Ronaldo: (Apologetic male voice off stage) I'm sorry, sir. All I could find here were these two fish and five loaves of bread.

Chef: (Smugly) Well, then, bring them i . . . (realizes what Ronaldo has told him) . . . uh, excuse me, Ronaldo. (Nervous laugh) I must have misheard you. That's just the silliest thing. I'm embarrassed to even mention it. Would you please repeat yourself?

Ronaldo (VOS): (Mustering professional courage) Sir, we only have here two fish and five loaves of bread.

Chef: Oh, well, there you are then. (Stops cold, staring blankly at the audience for a few seconds). (Starts muttering to himself): I announce we're having this grand feast for today's program. I tell Properties that I specifically want to prepare (names of dishes) and to have them ready for me by 11:00 a.m. this morning. I'm here essentially on live television, no time to edit tape prior to actual airing. And who could edit this anyway? . . And my faithful assistant Ronaldo tells me that all we have is two fish and five loaves of bread. Ah, well. Hahaha. Certainly nothing (Loud, aggravated) A MIRACLE FROM GOD couldn't solve!

Ronaldo (VOS): (After a tense moment) Sir? Excuse me, sir?

Chef: (Looks off stage 'at Ronaldo', seething): What.

Ronaldo (VOS): Uh, sir. You may have something there, actually.

Chef: (still seething, now completely ignoring audience): Well, well, Ronaldo. Thank you for your valuable assistance. Yes, please, Ronaldo, please, tell me, Tell The Audience . . . What SOMETHING DO I HAVE!?

Ronaldo (VOS): (Mustering courage): A miracle from God, sir. We could pray for a miracle from God.

Chef: (Mocking at first): A miracle from God. Oh, yes. We could just pray for a miracle from God. Peachy. Do you think God is planning on making a guest appearance on OUR little show here? (Pauses. Reconsiders). Oh, wait. That HAS been done, hasn't it. (Reflectively): I remember now.

(Recaps story of Feast of Five Thousand).

Ronaldo (VOS): Yes, sir. And there was the time when (recaps feast of 3,000). And hundreds of years before that, when the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness, God sent them manna from Heaven. It isn't unprecedented, sir.

Chef: WELL! Then, by all means, let us pray. I suppose I must turn over my apron to the Master Chef, now, mustn't I?

Ronaldo (VOS): And your hat, too, sir.

Chef: My HAT! NO one wears this hat, but I! (Reflective pause). Oh, very well. I suppose that wouldn't do for me to keep wearing the hat. This has become His show, after all. (To Heaven): Lord, you are the ONLY one I would do this for; you know that. Now, I suppose I must pray. (Clears throat).

Ronaldo (VOS): (Interrupting): I think you probably should kneel, too, sir.

Chef: (Doubletakes Ronaldo, then Heaven, then Ronaldo, then Heaven again): (Resigned): Very well. Yes, that's probably a good idea, too, Ronaldo.

(Kneels and prays). (Fill in prayer here).

(While chef is praying, helpers line up along isles with baskets full of Goldfish crackers.)

Chef and Ronaldo together: In the Name of Christ Jesus, Amen.

(Chef looks up, and to his amazement, the baskets of Goldfish crackers are being passed to each person in the audience.)

Chef: (Absolutely in awe of God, looking up): Praise God! Praise God! Oh, ladies and gentlemen, you have indeed witnessed a miracle of miracles today.

Ronaldo (VOS): 1 minute, sir.....

Chef: Yes, yes. Of course. So, my friends, to close today's program, I can recommend one ingredient that must never, ever be left out of any meal. And of course you all in the studio audience have personally witnessed this ingredient today, which is, of course, prayer! That's it for today, Ladies and Gentlemen. This has been This (pointing up) Chef Really Cooks! Good day, and God bless!

(Music fades back in and segue's into a group hymn.)


© Copyright Susan Cowsar, all rights reserved.
This play may be performed free of charge, provided no entrance fee is charged or copies sold. In return, the author would appreciated being notified of any performance. She may contacted at