Proverbs 31 woman!

By Gwyneth Bedford, adapted by Glenn A. Hascall


Two friends meet in a western saloon for a sociable drink. Bert demonstrates extolls the virtues of his wife, while Fred finds it hard to believe that Ruby could really be as wonderful as he describes her.


Proverbs 31


Ada, Fred's wife
Arthur (saloon hand/bar keep)
Curly Joe


(SCENE:  Two cowboys' belly-ing up to the bar, each has a glass in hand, very rural, dog at their feet (stuffed!) Cowboy boots and hats. Backdrop of American Southwest - Gentle background noise of saloon chat.)
BERT:  (Like they're in mid conversation as we join them)   I'm telling you, she's an absolute gem, my Ruby.  Never was a woman like her.
FRED:  That's the beer talking, Bert.
BERT:  I don't think so, Fred, I'm sworn to the solid use of Sarsaparilla. Don't trust my horse to get me home. (Chuckles)
FRED:  So, she's good as gold, eh?
BERT:  Wouldn't go that far, Bert. I just told you I didn't trust her to get me home.
FRED:  (Exasperated) Not the horse, Bert - your wife.
BERT:  Oh, well that's different. Ruby's the best.  I have full confidence in her, there's nothing she doesn't seem to be able to handle. Best day's work I ever did was marrying that woman.
FRED:  And she puts up with you?
BERT:  (Defensive) Them is fightin' words, Fred.
FRED:  Hold them horses, Bert. Just a friendly jab.
BERT:  (Settles back and relaxes a bit before continuing) My life's never been so sweet since I married that gal. She's up at the crack of dawn,cracking eggs before I've even rolled out of bed.  Talk about handy.
FRED:  What does that mean?
BERT:  Handy, You know - useful, helpful, practical, clever, versatile - HANDY!
FRED:  (Frustrated) I KNOW what "handy" means, I was asking what it is that she does that is so handy, Bert.
BERT:  All in good time, my friend. All in good time. (Sips on his Root Beer).
FRED:  Bet she spends all your money though.
BERT:  No, she's a shrewd one, Fred.  I gave her her own bank account and let me tell you, Partner, she went and bought some land, just north of our North 40 and planted some of them exotic varieties of vegetables.  She works like a dog (Looks at the stuffed dog on the floor) No offence, Shep (Looks back at Fred), and believe it or not, it's now a going concern. She's
turning a profit already. The General Store can't get enough of the Egg Plant and Ochre.
FRED:  I wouldn't think those kinds of vegetables would grow here.
BERT:  See what I mean, she's amazing!
FRED:  I expect that means you're living at the local diner these days?
BERT:  Nope! Hot meal, every evening, without fail. Always inviting in strays too. Got a heart of pure gold, that woman. Always leaves me with a warm glow.
FRED:  That'd be the homebrew, right, Bert?
BERT:  (As Bert describes the following, Fred begins to look as if he is being hurt) No, that'd be the pot roast, spring potatoes and sweet corn casserole. Topped off with a generous slice of fresh baked Apple pie and homemade ice cream (Laughs). Tell you the truth Fred, I don't know what I'd do without her, she's just so dependable. You know, sometimes I worry about tomorrow, next week - or even next month, but she just laughs and has this confidence about her, she always makes me feel better.
FRED:  (Shivers as he startles back to reality) Uh, bit cold in here, Arthur. (Bar keep), put another log on the fire will ya'? (Pause) You cold, Bert?
BERT:  No, my Ruby made me this scarlet sweater - talk about warm! She made one for the kids as well. We all match! The Scarlet Squad they call us down to the church.
FRED:  She's a good 'un alright.  Is she good with the young'uns?
BERT:  They all adore her - and with good reason.
FRED:  You still on the local council, Bert?
BERT:  Yes sir, I am and at the last village meeting the Mayor actually asked me what Ruby thought of the new bypass proposal!
FRED:  What do we need a bypass for?
BERT:  When we get a rogue cattle stampede coming through town, you'll be grateful for a bypass.
FRED:  I hadn't thought of that.
BERT:  I think the Mayor's got a soft spot for her, she must have made him some of her famous Honey-Nut Apple Muffins.
FRED:  You gotta stop that.
BERT:  What did I do?
FRED:  You keep talking like that and I'm gonna start drooling all over the counter. And you know how Arthur (point at the bar keep) feels about that.
BERT:  Sorry, Fred (Reaches for a hankie). Here let me help (Chuckles).
FRED:  (Swats the hankie away) Cut that out would ya? (Arthur looks over with a tough look on his face - the next statement said to Arthur) Sorry.
ARTHUR:  (Grunts)
BERT:  (They both get settled down again) What were we talking about?
FRED:  (Said almost reverently) Ruby.
BERT:  That's right! What's that old saying.Behind every good man ..Ah, I wouldn't swap her for all of Curly Joe's sheep.
FRED:  Neither would I - they stink to high heaven.
ADA:  Fred, come and get yer supper.  It's liver and onions again and it'll go hard if you let it go cold and I'm not heating it up again. YA' HEAR?
FRED:  Yes dear.  I think we all heard.
ARTHUR:  I know I heard.
ADA:  (To Fred) Get a move on, will ya? (To the remaining saloon patrons) The rest of ya' shut yer yap (Turns to leave as everyone in the saloon laughs even harder, then settles down again).
FRED:  (Looks back at Bert as he is leaving) Your Ruby sure sounds like a wonderful woman.
BERT:  You got that right, (pause) but there is one thing ...
FRED:  What's that?
BERT:  She doesn't drink Sarsaparilla.
FRED:  (Amazed) Doesn't drink Sarsaparilla! (Big pause) Sure is a hard to find the perfect woman.
Fade to Black
Copyright June 2001, Gwyneth Bedford
adapted by Glenn A. Hascall, August 2002. Should you use this script, would you be so kind as to let us know?
Gwyneth Bedford
Glenn A. Hascall