Dragnet: Fugitive (Or, You Can Run, But You Can't Hide)

By Glenn A. Hascall


A spoof based on three different television shows designed to tell the story of Jonah in a humorous way.


Joe: A straight-laced detective. Deadpan delivery. Doesn't smile and never laughs. Dresses in robe like Bible times.
Gil: Imagine Gilligan as a detective - you got Gil. (White pants, red shirt and white hat)
Shipmate Bobby: Modern day garb, maybe New York accent.
Jonah: Modern day teenager. This is his disguise after becoming a fugitive.
Man 1-5: Dressed in robes. Biblical attire.
Narrator: Off stage reading.


(Dragnet music)

Joe: My name is Monday, Joe Monday. My partner Gil Legan and I were on assignment with the bureau in Galilee. We fight crime - it's our job. It was April 1st, 765 BC when we received the APB on a Jonah, prophet of God. His crime? Going AWOL...

Gil: What's A wall, Joe.

Joe: It's a dividing partition that separates rooms in a dwelling or an encircling battlement surrounding a settlement... but what does that have to do with Jonah.

Gil: That's what I'm wondering.

Joe: Let's stick to the facts, Gil.

Gil: Okay by me. Could you pass me some juicy fruit?

Joe: The gum?

Gil: No, one of those oranges. (Pause) What's gum?

Joe: A chewy rubber like substance with artificial flavor. I anticipate discovery roughly two thousand, two hundred and seventy-two years from Wednesday.

Gil: (Stupid look) Oh.

Joe: Jonah had received direct orders from headquarters to conduct an informational detail to Nineveh. His mission was to deliver a concise itemized account of infractions against our Chief and seek compliance with regulations.

Gil: I thought he was going to tell the people they were sinning against God.

Joe: That's what I said.

Gil: Is it?

Joe: (pause) Affirmative.

Gil: Well, you sure can make something simple downright tangled.

Joe: That's how I got this part. Jonah had received implicit instructions on both message content and location of message delivery. However, our agent did not perform his commission following the letter and intent of the Chief's orders. He became... (pause for dramatic effect) a fugitive.

Gil: Yea, he ran away too.

Joe: (looks at Joe and shakes his head) We tracked him to a shipyard in Joppa.

(Gil turns to a dockworker that looks like someone from modern day)

Joe: And your name is?

Shipmate Bobby: Shipmate Bobby.

Gil: Is that with two B's.

Shipmate Bobby: Why, yes it is. Hardly anyone gets that right.

Joe: (Scribbles in his notebook looking exasperated as Gil looks very proud of himself) So you saw a man named Jonah?

Shipmate Bobby: Yea, I saw him. Seemed like a good kid. Short hair, some of those fancy sports shoes. Hat facin' backwards.

Gil: That couldn't be Jonah, he's a middle-aged prophet from Galilee; long hair - beard, has an angry look on his face.

Shipmate Bobby: Maybe it's a different Jonah then. I hate to admit it, but I swiped his wallet when he wasn't lookin' (pulls out wallet and takes a look) Hey, you're right. Man this guy's good - looks completely different now. (Addressing Gil) You gonna finish the orange?

Gil: (tosses the orange to him) Live it up. Oh, can I have the wallet.

Shipmate Bobby: Oh, all right. Can I keep the fishing license?

Gil & Joe in unison: No!

(Shipmate Bobby tosses the wallet to Gil)

Joe: A proper decision citizen. (Turns back to Shipmate Bobby) Say, have you ever seen this man.

Shipmate: Ya' know, he does look familiar. Who is he?

Joe: A doctor named Kimball. Accused of a crime he says he never committed. Something about a one arm man.

Shipmate Bobby: (Thinking hard) Now I know where I saw him. He was on TV last night. Saved a guy by using a toothpick and fishing line. Seems like a nice guy. You should see what he can do with a can of spam.

Joe: What's TV?

Gil: Don't ask. (Assuming Joe's part as Bobby leaves) Joe and I high-tailed it for Tarshish, which, by the way, is not easy to say. There we discovered that our nimble prophet in disguise had slipped through our fingers again.

Joe: Check your manual Gil, narration is part of my duties.

Gil: Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

Joe: The seafaring men we met regaled us with tales of a devastating storm that nearly claimed their lives.

Gil: Until they threw Jonah over.

Joe: Indeed, my fellow crime fighter, indeed.

Gil: Tell them about the big fish that snatched Jonah up.

Joe: I believe you just did. We had no recourse now but to make haste and take on Jonah's assignment ourselves.

Gil: Yea, so we hopped the next boat to Nineveh.

Joe: However, when we arrived we came across an unusual sight.

(Several male drama players come onto the stage)

Jonah: (Young man dressed modern day) God wants you to repent from your sin and turn to Him, (with an air of spite) and He's only giving you 40 days to do it.

(The men look at each other for about ten seconds. Than all start responding at once.)

Man # 1: Yea, Okay.

Man # 2: Sure!

Man # 3: Sounds good to me.

Man # 4: I don't see a problem with that.

Man # 5: Repent? You got it.

Jonah: Really?

Man # 1: Why not?

Jonah: (Angry) I knew this would happen (runs away).

Man # 2: What did I say? (The men mumble as they walk off stage leaving Joe and Frank alone).

Joe: It seems even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher. Three days in the belly of that fish and the Chief had Jonah delivered to a nice beach near Nineveh. Jonah decided the fish incident was enough inspiration to finish his assignment.

Gil: Yea, but Jonah was looking for fire and brimstone. He didn't want the people of Nineveh to turn from their sin. But it's hard not to believe some guy that's just been beached by a whale.

Joe: We're not sure it was a whale.

Gil: True, but being beached by a whale sounds better than being beached by a tuna.

(Dragnet Music)

Joe: (Giving Gil a dirty look) The final outcome of this fugitive story? The people of Nineveh were saved after discontinuing their sinful ways. The captain of the Tarshish sea vessel is still transporting passengers, however he has barred prophets from the list of potential passengers. Gil and I are heading back to our headquarters in Jerusalem. Shipmate Bobby has started his own orange juice factory. And Jonah, well he began acting like the young man he pretended to be and was set straight by our boss.

Off Stage Narrator reading the end of Jonah: Should I not pity Nineveh, that great city, in which more than one hundred and twenty thousand people live who can't tell the difference between right and wrong?

Joe: The names in this story were not changed because none of us are innocent. Let this serve as a reminder to each of us that when God asks us to do something it's important that we agree to do it.

Gil: Hey Jonah, care for a bite of my tuna fish sandwich? (Jonah runs off stage looking ill) What? What did I say?

(Dragnet music fades as players leave the stage)


Copyright Glenn Hascall, all rights reserved. This script may be used free of charge, provided no
charge is made for entry. In return, the author would appreciate being notified of any
performance. He may be contacted at glenn.hascall<a>gmail.com